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Aug 5, 2019

Hella Strong

A Recap of The Bachelorette Finale, Parts I & II

PART I

We made it – the finale of this extended psychotic breakdown of a season. We open on a wilin’ studio audience. O Holiness Chris Harrison has a fresh haircut that probably cost more than my rent. We’re still in Greece for the rose ceremony that is somehow lasting over three episodes. This is exactly how I felt when I went to Greece—I love it but okay can we leave? I miss McDonald’s.

O Holiness repositions the rose stand that Hannah Basic dramatically moved away from The Hottest 8th Grader at Church, because he is absolutely a secret OCD monster. Hannah Basic looks at the remaining Abercrombie & Fitch employees and says, “I have three amazing men, standing in front of me.” Okay, is this America’s Next Top Model? The three guys are in line doing the same exact pose and I’m dying laughing at this—they look like a failed 90s R&B boy band album cover.

Roses go to Jed Y’all, and Patrick Swayze. We finally have our top two, and Pilot Porny Peter isn’t one of them. They walk out together and Hannah Basic tells him he’s what she always imagined when she was a kid playing with dolls—which I’m absolutely sure were just tiny bales of hay wearing knockoff Roll Tide merchandise. They have a super-intimate conversation and I swear there is more romance in this breakup than in any relationship I’ve ever been in.

We cut back to the live studio—and Pilot Porny Peter is there! He looks the same, dang. How does this boy always have a pitch-perfect spray tan? Give me tips? Please? The rest of his Porny family is also in the studio, and every seat next to them is just covered in lube.

Hannah Basic finally joins us, and I can tell this whole thing doesn’t end well because she’s dressed very professional for a dating show finale—usually they rock a more sexy-carefree-I’m-in-love style, so this is very telling. She says that her relationship with Pilot Porny Peter was “…passionate” and his porn-star dad is wildly applauding – “Just how I taught you, boy! Give her that pipe!” Hannah Basic does a little anime giggle here and this all just seems very 18+. She says she was afraid that she “was letting go of the perfect guy,” and an audience member screams, “YOU DID!” Everyone laughs and Pilot Porny Peter Venmo’s them twenty bucks.

FOUR. DAMN. TIMES!!!! Hannah Basic says she lied about something, and reveals that she and Pilot Porny Peter didn’t actually get it on in a windmill twice—but FOUR times. The crowd goes absolutely off at this news and I am smiling so hard. His dad is crying tears of joy as if Pilot Porny Peter is finally ready to receive the golden dildo that’s been in their family for generations. Now, listen, I totally love Hannah Basic and respect her decisions (unlike The Hottest 8th Grader at Church), but you’re just gonna… let go… someone that’s capable of doing it… four times… in one day? Are you, are you stupid?

I stop chanting “FOUR MORE TIMES! FOUR MORE TIMES!” and we cut back to the fifteen-hour-long episode in Greece. It’s finally time to meet Hannah Basic’s family, and the Basics are everything I dreamed of and more. Mrs. Basic dresses like an early 2000s country singer, and Mr. Basic has hair that is clearly-flatironed and has the same exact voice as Cleveland from Family Guy. I’ve never before thought that someone could be a combination of Cleveland and Keith Urban, yet here we are. It’s Patrick Swayze’s turn to meet the family, and wow—both of her parents have such chilling blue eyes.


Patrick Swayze educates everyone on How To Make The Worst First Impression On Your Significant Other’s Parents and immediately starts talking about how he got into dancing because his college advisor signed him up for dance classes to boost his lowly GPA. After some Basic conversations, Mr. Basic, AKA Country Santa Clause, AKA Country Cleveland, and Mrs. Basic, AKA Shania Twain Music Video Extra, say goodbye. Patrick Swayze kisses Hannah Basic goodbye and casually says “love you” like twenty times – basically how many times I listen to “Never Really Over” by Katy Perry in one sitting.

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Jed Y’all meets the parents, and honestly, I still think he’s so hot. Right out the gate, he tells Mr. and Mrs. Basic that he’s a singer and songwriter, and he’s so tan and his eyes are so green that I honestly don’t care. Country Cleveland asks him what his goals are financially, and—to be totally honest—I empathize with Jed Y’all here. The amount of times people ask me what my day job is, or what my backup plan from comedy is… this part triggered me and I totally get how uncomfortable Jed Y’all is fielding these types of questions. Jed Y’all tells Country Cleveland that he does a lot of things for money, and once sold a jingle to a dog food company—isn’t that what every dad wants to hear about their future son-in-law?

QUICK SINCERE NOTE: I truly feel for Jed Y’all here, because there’s definitely a double standard here. People ask me about money a lot, but they never ask how I’m going to provide for my future family – it’s definitely because I’m female, and that honestly makes me feel for Jed Y’all here. It’s tough having people constantly doubt what you want to do with your life, for real.

Mr. and Mrs. Basic tell their daughter that they like Patrick Swayze better, which leads Hannah Basic to solemnly drink wine outside, Cersei-style. Jed Y’all comes outside to talk to her, and she starts blabbing about Patrick Swayze. I hate to spoil it so early, but the Bachelor Overlords love giving the ultimate winner this kind of edit. They make Patrick Swayze look like an absolute angel, and throw shade all over Jed Y’all’s date—this was the moment I knew he won.

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It’s time for Patrick Swayze’s last date, and his body—dear Lord almighty. You know you’re hot when you can just wear a blank t-shirt with jeans and look like you’re heading an international modeling campaign. He says “hey girl!” and she responds with “hey boy!” and it’s honestly adorable. They go horseback riding yet again, and he actually looks like a cologne commercial.

“You crushed the horse,” “chirpin’ me,” “cheesin’,” – Patrick Swayze literally talks like all of my frat boy boyfriends, and I love it. Hannah Basic’s Rudolph-red nose is in full effect, which I truly don’t understand—the date just started. Later, they make out in bed and he gets on top and tosses her around like a rag doll – I rewatched this part no less than three times.

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We’re on Jed Y’all’s last date, and both guys are killer dressers, I gotta say. He greets Hannah Basic with a kiss and she makes a face with the worst double-chin I’ve ever seen, lmfao. They go on a boat, and Jed Y’all without a shirt—send help. Like obviously Patrick Swayze is a perfect specimen of a human, but Jed Y’all is definitely more my type, which is thicc. Hannah Basic gets seasick, and the Bachelor Overlords love this because they’re giving the final pick a bad edit! I’m telling you! We cut to the night portion of their last date, and how many pink leather jackets can one girl own?! Hannah Basic tells him that she has no idea what’s going to happen tomorrow, and we wrap on the first night of this psychotic finale.

The Bachelor Overlords don’t give us a blooper, because shit is getting serious, you guys!

PART II

We open on O Holiness coming in hot with the drama—he says we’re about to see “the massive destructive forces of lies and deception… [and] we then see a proposal, that looking back, is cringeworthy.” Jesus, why is he spoiling this? Does everyone already know how this is ending? Is he just setting us up for over half the finale to be “After the Final Rose”? As opposed to just the last ten minutes?

Say it with me now, “we’re still in Greece.” Everyone’s getting ready for the finale—Hannah Basic is reading the Bible, Jed Y’all is writing some stupid song, and Patrick Swayze is posing. The boys individually meet with Neil Lane for the Most Sponsored Jewelry Ad of All Time™. Patrick Swayze picks an obnoxiously large engagement ring for Hannah Basic, since “she’s loud and proud.” If my future fiancé says this about me, I will punch him in the face with my too-massive ring. Jed Y’all picks his fated ring, and we get straight into it.

Hannah Basic is being driven to the finale, and is in absolute panic mode. She asks to stop the car, attempts to walk out, trips over her heels on the gravel, and literally does not get up for a solid five minutes—this is a M O O D. She is a dramatic three-year-old and I’ve never related to someone this much.

Patrick Swayze is first! I think we all know what that means by now. He talks first, which I hate because it’s so embarrassing. If she lets him propose, I swear on all that is holy… Okay, phew. She cuts him off and hits him with a long exhale—He knows what’s happening. After the longest pause, she says “I love someone else.” He handles this with absolute grace, and I sadly know she’ll regret this moment for the rest of her life.

It’s Jed Y’all’s turn, and of course he has his guitar with him. He sings Hannah Basic some stupid love song, and I’m wondering if she didn’t pick him… if he’d still try to sing a song. (🎵“I… HATE. EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU…”🎵) As someone who literally just made her first payment for Invisalign, I am qualified to say this—Hannah Basic’s teeth really bother me here. Maybe she’s smiling too dang big, but you can see all 47 of her teeth when she smiles and they all seem to be making eye contact with me. She and all her teeth tell Jed Y’all they’re in love with him, and he proposes. The couple is engaged for approximately three seconds, then we get down to the real part of the episode.

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We’re back with the studio audience, filled with vague white women and their only-curled-at-the-bottom hair – with the exception of DEMI LOVATO?! Sitting next to Bachelor Demi?! The sluttiest girl of the whole franchise, sitting next to the icon who penned 🎵“WHAT’S WRONG WITH BEING CONFIDENT, WHOA-OH-OHHH”🎵 – is it my birthday?! I also really want to see A Tale of Two Demis starring these two, thanks.

Hannah Basic gives us a dramatic voiceover over some Instagram stories about the time after they got engaged. They had “silly dance parties,” they played “stupid games,” – they were in love, until he told her about the girl he was seeing right before the show – exactly what we all want our fiancés to say, right? Hannah Basic is sitting in this nice Los Angeles Airbnb, and her skin has absolutely cleared up—our girl looks great. Jed Y’all comes in, and has apparently grew out his fade haircut. This makes him way less hot to me—if you don’t have the same haircut as G-Eazy, get out of my face.

She confronts him about how he actually had a full-on girlfriend before the show, and simply forgot to break up with her when he went on. Jed Y’all gives her the classic “it wasn’t exclusive,” and this begins his transformation into a total Lying Fuckboy™. He’s pulling out all the usual Lying Fuckboy™ moves, like pretending you didn’t hear what the other person said, or making yourself out to be a passive victim in the situation where you were clearly in the wrong.

For example, Jed Y’all says that the girl’s parents bought him a trip to the Bahamas, and there was no way he could say no! This is insane to me, as the only parents I can see buying a sexy trip for their child and significant other are Pilot Porny Peter’s. He’s wearing beaded bracelets and I’m not sure if he’s always been wearing them, or if they suddenly appeared to complete his Lying Fuckboy™ transformation. The cherry on top here is when he says “I ended it in my heart. Not verbally.” Hahahahaha – are you, are you serious?

It’s not even the music career that bothers me, or the alleged girlfriend—it’s the way he’s handling this conversation. He’s being so defensive to Hannah Basic and literally sounds like a five-year-old who just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He then says he doesn’t want to cry on camera, to which she perfectly responds with “Who cares!” This perfectly illustrates how he only cares about his public image, and not anything about who was sitting across from him.


She then hits her K.O. move with “You got to see all of me, and I didn’t get to see all of you.” Hannah Basic plays with her ring, and the crowd goes absolutely nuts—what a tease! She’s literally being as dramatic as a WWE wrestler right now, and I love it. After “Stone Cold” Steve Austin levels of showmanship, she takes the ring off for real. After this whole season, after all of it, Hannah Basic is left diamond-less and alone.

We’re back in the studio, and O Holiness tells us that everyone is here tonight, Jerry Springer-style. Hannah Basic is wearing a hot pink dress and earrings that literally look like rhinestone pizza slices. She’s back to her pre-season inarticulate self, and it makes me sad – I feel like she can’t speak clearly when her confidence is shook. Every blonde audience member is triggered, and the energy feels like everyone’s cycles are synced. It’s truly sad watching her talk about this. The audience claps when she announces she’s not with Jed Y’all anymore, but she’s clearly not happy about it. Hannah Basic is hurting, and it’s tough to watch.

Finally, Jed Y’all enters the ring. JERRY! JERRY! The audience claps one or two times, then not at all—it is tragic. He fully grew out his hair, and some people just look better with a G-Eazy fade, y’know? He starts apologizing, and it’s clear that Hannah Basic isn’t over him (🎵“JUST BECAUSE IT’S OVER DOESN’T MEAN IT’S REALLY OVER, AND IF—”🎵)

Seriously, does Jed Y’all realize this was the worst possible thing he could’ve done for his music career? Or actually is it the best… should he pull an Adele and write a whole album about this? 🎵“NEVER MIND I’LL FIND, A BASIC GIRL LIKE YOUUUUUU…”🎵

Hannah Basic lays into him a little more with her whole ‘When I started this, my feelings were yeehaw. Now, they’re oh my stars.’ The audience claps and she straight-up says, “It’s not something to clap about, it’s sad.” She clearly still cares for Jed Y’all, and it’s heartbreaking. I really thing the only way Jed Y’all could salvage himself is if he pulled a Kevin Spacey and suddenly came out to everyone right now. Hannah Basic calls herself “hella strong” and if Demi Lovato doesn’t immediately sing “Sorry Not Sorry” right now, then what is she even doing there?

Jed Y’all rightfully fucks right off, and O Holiness finally brings out Patrick Swayze. Our dancing supermodel comes out and tells Hannah Basic she looks amazing. She responds with “He… looks okay,” in what is now known as The Biggest Lie of This Whole Show™. He then cutely ventures into eating-disorder territory when he says he threw up before the finale, and he knew that was a good thing because he would always throw up before big football games… is this cute or problematic? Who cares! I mean, he’s gotta fit into that spandex suit somehow…

She then awkwardly asks him out, since he’s “an incredible guy, and I’m a single girl.” EXCUSE ME. HE DESERVES MORE THAN SECOND PICK! LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT HIS CHEEKBONES! Regardless, he says he’s interested, and O Holiness acts like an absolute narc and says “we ship this!” And just like that, we end on a hopeful note.

🎵“JUST BECAUSE IT’S OVER DOESN’T MEAN IT’S REALLY OVER—”🎵