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Jul 14, 2019

Jump Straddle Hug

A Recap of This Week's Episode of The Bachelorette

We open on an aerial view of Westlake Village, Pilot Porny Peter’s hometown which is definitely just Los Angeles. It’s the hometown episode, baby, and we are wasting NO time in getting to these daddies.


The BCU loves themselves some jump-straddle-hugs, and Hannah Basic is no exception—she’s basic, remember? She’s not an exception for anything. She jumps on Pilot Porny Peter and they immediately get into “his” Benz which is definitely his and definitely not on lease by the Bachelor Overlords.

Hannah Basic goes full Room Raiders on us and investigates “his” car’s center console. Her voiceover here also admits that Pilot Porny Peter wasn’t someone she noticed right off the bat, and isn’t THAT what we all want our future spouses to say? In “his” center console, she finds one of “his” condoms which is definitely his and definitely not just a plant by the Bachelor Overlords. Regardless, Pilot Porny Peter improvises with “I’m safe in everything that I do… flying and other stuff,” and I’m swooling™ all over again.

Pilot Porny Peter’s smooth talking ends right there when they fly in a World War II-era plane and he cannot, for the life of him, save this sentence: “I’m obviously looking for a co-pilot for life… so… uh… how do you say… uh, we, uh, you… be my co-pilot for this flight?” It’s okay, my man—porn stars don’t usually have to memorize scripts.

Pilot Porny Peter’s Pure Parents appear on the radar and start flagging the plane down. Say it with me now—LET’S! MEET! THOSE! DAAAAADS! Pilot Porny Peter’s dad is not only named Peter, is not only a pilot, but he’s also porny. This stallion is rocking a groomed-to-filth mustache and silver chain over his slightly-exposed chest. What is this family? Is their annual Christmas card NSFW?

The RedTube household does a loud German prayer before they sit down for Cuban food—didn’t Pilot Porny Peter speak Spanish last episode? What country is this family from? Are they all just international escorts?

Despite being well-traveled sex workers, there is some SDE (small dick energy) activity with this family. First, literally every single person in the family cries at one point during the night. Second, Pilot Porny Peter chickens out of saying “I love you” at the last minute. Third and worst of all, the mom gestures to her heart and knocks on the microphone attached to her chest. C’mon, sweetie, you’re in the “entertainment” industry – we know you understand body mics [wink].


I swear to God—everyone I’ve ever met from Jupiter, FL is preternaturally good-looking—Patrick Swayze is a clear example.


Patrick Swayze says he’s about to have his “hometown with Hannah Brown”—confirming that yes, he is the fourth member of Migos. They go on his boat which I actually do believe is his boat since it’s called “Reel Clean” and that just sounds like something he would say. Another reason I’m obsessed with Patrick Swayze is that the recession affecting his dad is a huge part of his story throughout the season—and that’s how you know someone’s rich :)

HE! DOES! THE DIRTY DANCING MOVE! LMFAO. Live music starts playing and Hannah Basic gets on stage and embarrasses herself, then jumps into Patrick Swayze’s arms and he lifts her up, JUST LIKE DIRTY DANCING. Folks, I can’t make this stuff up—did he know that I call him Patrick Swayze? Does he know I exist? Please say yes.

They head back to Patrick Swayze’s house to see who created this perfect gene combination, and he sees his sick dad for the first time in a while—it’s a beautiful moment, UNTIL everyone sits down and no one gives the sick dad a seat! It’s literally a 54-person sectional couch and everyone and their hot mother is sitting down and the dying dad is left in the dust! Standing on the side! The main who raised this family! The man who’s sick!!! The disrespect!

Daddy Swayze has damaged vocal cords and literally sounds like me after a bachelorette party in Vegas. He keeps calling Hannah Basic “Miss Hannah” and it’s the cutest thing on Planet Earth. Miss Hannah Basic sits down with Patrick Swayze’s younger frat brothers, and honestly, I see her with either of them over their Adonis older brother.

CONSPIRACY ALERT: Daddy Swayze mentions to Miss Hannah Basic that his son is 26 years old, but his title card says 25… Did Patrick Swayze have a birthday in the past ten minutes?! Who’s lying?! Why are they lying to us?! THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!

Undisclosed-age Patrick Swayze says goodbye to Hannah Basic and she straddles him in the car—his beautiful parents are 1000% looking out the window and seeing all of this. Are we in high school? Does she have to make curfew?


Welp, it’s time for The Hottest 8th Grader at Church’s hometown date and please someone stab me in the fucking eye before you take me to Gainesville, Georgia. It’s NOT EVEN THE MOST IMPORTANT GAINESVILLE IN THE CONTINENTAL U.S.!


I literally can’t believe this douchebag spokesperson for Denim by Walmart™ made it to hometowns. It’s his one turn to pick the date activity, and he seriously takes her to a discount Cracker Barrel for Sunday School. I know what you’re thinking—“Cracker Barrel itself isn’t ‘discount Cracker Barrel’? There’s a level below actual Cracker Barrel?” Folks, welcome to Gainesville, Georgia.

Official breakthrough – The Hottest 8th Grader at Church is the king of performative Christianity. He tells his Encounter With God In The Shower™ story for the third time on this show, and now it’s like—was he just using hallucinogenic shampoo? Is this all just an elaborate Herbal Essences ad? Regardless, Hannah Basic and her Rudolph-red nose are intently listening. Everyone in Sunday School then take turns walking up to her and complimenting The Hottest 8th Grader at Church. Maybe because, just maybe… oh, I don’t know, because he’s the hottest 8th grader there…? Is this the episode of self-fulfilling nickname prophecies?

We visit The Hottest 8th Grader at Church’s family and his grandparents’ initial reflection in the mirror is straight out of a horror movie.

There’s so many WASP-y people in this house and The Hottest Dad in Church literally looks like an 80s-high-school-movie villain. The Hottest 8th Grader at Church seriously says this to one of his beige family members: “I can look you in the eyes and tell you that I can look her in the eyes and say I love her.”

SINCERE TIP: This is Lying 101. Notice how often The Hottest 8th Grader at Church repeats the same phrases over again, like “genuinely,” “100%”, “let me be real”… These are all textbook lying phrases. If he was speaking truthfully, he wouldn’t subconsciously feel the need to qualify everything he says as true. It’s like when people say “honestly” too much – I know how Simon Says works, so what do you mean when you don’t say “honestly”?


Giddy up y’all, it’s Tennessee time—home of Justin Timberlake, Kathy Bates, and Jed Y’all.


Hannah Basic innocuously tells the camera that Jed Y’all “always has something in his pocket for me,” and she continues to be the Most Naïve Girl in America. They go to a recording studio because he’s definitely not here to promote his music. Jed Y’all says Hannah Basic is “really good at everything,” which prompts me to make a list of everything she’s not good at (dancing, powdering her nose, judging people’s character, wearing subtle earrings, etc.).


Best Greeting Ever™ goes to Daddy Y’all for jumping on his son when he sees him. Holy Lord Almighty, this guy is the DILF of DILFs. Jed Y’all absolutely has the best-looking family of the night, yet his head came out of the womb like… that… how? This kid is literally a Frankenstein mix of random qualities from his parents—and when I say Frankenstein, I mean it. Both creatures have identical foreheads. They talk about the monster’s music career and I just don’t care because Daddy Y’all has a goatee atop a jawline made out of Tennessee-strength steel.

It’s rose ceremony time, and this might be the first hometown episode where one family wasn’t egregiously bad. This leads Hannah Basic to give roses to Pilot Porny Peter, Patrick Swayze, and both The Hottest 8th Grader at Church and Jed Y’all. Because rules don’t matter! Jed Y’all appropriately gets pissed off at not being the clear choice over The Hottest Most Toxic Lying 8th Grader at Church, and I agree. So, is she spending the night with four guys instead of the usual three? Does structure not exist anymore? Did the Joker hijack this season?

This week’s blooper is Pilot Porny Peter and Hannah Basic inspecting a plane, and I badly wish we were inspecting Daddy Y’all instead. Sigh.