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Jul 16, 2019

It's a Bible-Off™

A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelorette

We open on an aerial view of the Aegean sea… we’re in GREECE, BABY! Of course, I, a Greek princess (according to my 8th grade AIM screen name), am excited as all tzatziki sauce—but, haven’t my ancestors been through enough? Do we really have to desecrate these sacred lands with all these white boys?

It’s Fantasy Suite week, virgins, and Hannah Basic says it’s been “a while” since she’s been physical with a man [cue absolute montage of her full-on humping the entire Abercrombie & Fitch sales team].

JUMP-STRADDLE-HUG COUNT: 1

Pilot Porny Peter is up first, which is honestly rude—you’re going to put the porn star first? She’ll need at least six weeks recovery time! (Don’t ask how I know this.) They go on a boat and it’s basically every kissing ASMR sound effects at full volume. ALEXA, PLEASE MUTE THIS. We fast-forward all this stupid foreplay and get straight to the night portion. Hannah Basic is wearing a chic pink silk outfit; she’s really been killing the monochrome looks this season.

JUST ONE GREECE COMMENT—I’m sincerely so happy this episode fully illustrates how many stray cats there are in Greece. Literally, so many. It cannot be ignored.

OKAY, ACTUALLY ONE MORE—Pilot Porny Peter says “cheers” in Greek, and pronounces “Στην υγειά σας” as “steen ee-GAH sas” and y’all, it’s “steen ee-YAH sas”. Sorry–my yiayia would be pissed the heck off if I didn’t point that out.

Southern Hannah Basic is turned on by his absolute failure to pronounce words, and slowly takes her silk jacket off. Pilot Porny Peter tells her that he’s falling in love with her in such a way that all the Greek stray cats entered heat at the same time. Panty sale! Half off! They enter the Fantasy Suite and open up a chest of goodies: snacks, feta cheese (probably), Windex (definitely), and a condom. I tried to see if it was Trojan brand because that, in Greece, would be too soon.

We cut to the next morning, and—YOU GUESSED IT—we see the annual Bachelor Overlords’ shot of birds and bees [Siri, what’s the opposite of subtlety?]. Hannah Basic compares Pilot Porny Peter to a Greek god, and I individually apologize to every member of my family.

-

It’s. Patrick Swayze. Time. Bitches.

JUMP-STRADDLE-HUG COUNT: 2

The way he looks at her—I can’t. Patrick Swayze and Hannah Basic go to a spa to get a couple’s massage—he says he wants to pounce on her table, and literally howls when she unties her bikini top—I can’t! They get their massages and he, sneakily switches with Hannah Basic’s masseuse. The masseuses leave the room and someone actually needs to check my pulse. Hannah Basic is rock-hard, but says she doubts their non-physical connection, because “I have forever to be intimate with him.” Uh, has anyone told this girl how marriage works?! [high-fives every 45-year old in the room]

We’re at the night portion, and Hannah Basic—despite all common sense and judgment—tells Patrick Swayze that she doesn’t want to have sex with him tonight. Now, there’s a good way to respond, then there’s the way Patrick Swayze responded, which is… above all expectations:
“Tonight, Fantasy Suites, it has a connotation of sex. For me, it’s way more than that. I just want to be with you, have that time with you. You have to really love and respect and honor each other’s boundaries. I would never press you or pressure you at all. I want you to be 100 percent comfortable and confident in whatever we do together.”
WHO. IS. THIS. ANGEL! I actually got emotional here, Jesus. If Hannah Basic was a half-smart person, she’d realize that a guy who looks like that and is respectful as that… there is no contest. The next morning, Hannah Basic says they would make out, then he would stop and just hold her. “He’s the most respectful man who’s ever been with me. Ever.” She cries here and I’m crying and every other girl who’s been with douchebags starts crying and we all start blasting Ariana Grande in unison.

-

It’s Jed Y’all’s overnight date, and Hannah Basic is wearing her seventh floral of the episode—y’know when you only pack like three matching things for a vacation? That’s the only explanation for her wardrobe here.

JUMP-STRADDLE-HUG COUNT: 3

Our Southern couple goes to a classic Greek day-party: long tables filled with food, live music, dancing, ouzo shots, and ungodly amounts of wine—this episode is seriously making me emotional! One of the Greek girls ask Hannah Basic if she’s going to marry Jed Y’all, and Hannah Basic dodges this question better than Neo in the end of The Matrix. Listen, if I wanted to hear Greek people badgering someone about getting married, I’d just call my parents.

After exchanging wildly passive-aggressive answers, Jed Y’all finally takes her aside to ask her about The “Inconsistent and Toxic” Hottest 8th Grader at Church. He says, “if you’re this close to finding your husband, what makes you hold on to something so uncertain?” Her answers here are so vague and I’m so proud of Jed Y’all for not backing down with his questions. We get to the night portion and they really get deeper into this conversation, despite Hannah Basic hitting him at the top with a “k, we good?” BITCH… NO.

Jed Y’all doubles down and tells her that “it kind of says a lot about your decisions… you have a hard time letting go of things that aren’t good for you in your life.” I. Am. Speechless. The amount of therapy one has to work through to come up with something that mature and loaded. He’s being honest as hell and I’m seriously shocked this relationship expert is only 25-years-old.

Immature Hannah Basic storms away from the table. Jed Y’all follows her, saying he doesn’t want this to ruin what they have—dude, if it does, then that’s her loss. You’re being honest with something that’s bothering you, and you can’t live your life tiptoeing around your immature partner’s emotions. [cue theme song: Kali Is Projecting!] They cut the emotional warfare and head to the Fantasy Suite – honestly, where in the hell are all these 5-star resorts in Crete? I swear this whole episode is just shot on the Warner Brothers studio lot – with the exception of the feral cat footage, of course. Jed Y’all allegedly rocks her world sideways, then walks away in the morning without looking back at her one last time – chilling.

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Time for the main event, kids. The Hottest 8th Grader at Church is wearing a cross you get at a goddamn costume shop when you problematically want to dress up as a Gangster™ for Halloween. Hold me the f*ck back.

JUMP-STRADDLE-HUG COUNT: 4! 4 FOR 4, BABY! TWO WEEKS IN A ROW!

Hannah Basic tells him they’re going to Santorini, and he high-fives her – this dude is literally in eighth grade! They get into a helicopter and every time they kiss, an innocent Greek child dies. She says, “I don’t know what his church is teaching him, but that boy can kiss.” Sorry, what?

She continues to say that they’re “completely entangled in every way,” which would be romantic if she didn’t say the same exact thing about Pilot Porny Peter earlier tonight! How many people are you ‘completely entangled’ with! I’m now getting anxiety thinking about all the necklaces I’ve lost to irreversible tangling at the bottom of my makeup drawer – RIP sweet chokers.

Let’s just get to the night portion, because this, my friends, is the best moment of the whole season.

Hannah Basic is wearing her favorite Motorcycle Barbie™ hot pink leather jacket again, and he’s wearing a waiter’s outfit – they literally look like dolls that you just add water and they grow to full-size. They sit down, and, at long last, The Hottest 8th Grader at Church’s final act begins. I can’t even put direct quotes here because it’s too infuriating, but he basically tells her that “the marriage bed should be kept pure,” and that’s all you gotta know about that.

SINCERELY TRIGGERED: This guy is the most dangerous, manipulative, and abusive contestant to ever be on The Bachelorette. Y’all, this is how people stay in abusive relationships. They think that this kind of love is fun and passionate, but no—The Hottest 8th Grader at Church keeps telling Hannah Basic how he forgives her for problems he invents, for what he considers “slip-ups”—That. Is. Emotional. Abuse.

Finally, finally, FINALLY, Hannah Basic wakes up and realizes how seriously toxic his behavior is. She snaps at him, and it is the snap of all snaps. We enter a Bible-Off™ where she masterfully uses his own weapon against him—Christianity. “Guess what. Sex outside of marriage is a sin, and so is pride.” YES, GIRL! DRAG HIM TO SATAN’S HELL AND BACK!

I cry for, like, the third time this episode, when she says “You’ve broken my heart, truly, and I’ve broken my own heart because I’ve allowed everything.” Y’all, I am so happy. Hannah Basic has finally had her “moment of clarity” and it’s so, so beautiful to see. A couple other quotes I want everyone and their Lord to remember:
HB: “You’re X’ing me out so quickly, I could’ve X’d you out so many times! I want somebody who gets along with people! Who doesn’t have pride issues!” 
TH8GAC: “If you slip up…”
HB: “I don’t slip up.”
HB: “You haven’t shown respect for any of the guys here, and I’m finally seeing this now.”
And last, but definitely not least:

HB: “… I do not want you to be my husband.”

She out-Christians him again with another Bible verse, then finally asks him to leave. He doesn’t get up from his seat, because he has no respect for women and doesn’t take their decisions seriously! Remember last time Hannah Basic tried to send him home? He did the same exact thing. He truly believes he is superior to her, and this is how you can tell. I’m not sure if she’s been wearing a cheetah-print skirt this whole time, or if her absolute fierceness transformed her normal skirt into full-on animal print.

Hannah Basic hits The Hottest 8th Grader at Church with the final blow of telling him she had sex in a windmill this trip, and he pauses, then asks, “Can I pray over you before I leave?”

“No.”

UGH!!! Guys, I’m seriously so emotional over this. Hannah Basic is finally empowered to trust herself and realizes she deserves better than this abusive piece of Walmart garbage. She flicks him off as his car leaves, and Beyoncé’s “Run The World (Girls)” starts blasting.

LAST SINCERE NOTE: I feel like I need to say this. Please do not accept or settle for this type of behavior in your romantic partner. You are a beautiful person who deserves honesty, empathy, and respect. If you’re not sure if something is manipulative or abusive, it is. There should be no doubt in your mind that your partner respects you as a person and genuinely wants you for you. I love all of you, and please call out toxic behavior when you see it. Peace. Love. Patrick Swayze.