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Jul 14, 2019

A Pile of Bologna

A Recap of Last Week's Episode of The Bachelorette

We open on fields of tulips, because we’re in AMSTERDAM, BABY! Time to drown in mind-altering substances and underage hookers! Or pretend to enjoy wholesome dates, that works too.

There’s a map graphic tracing out the journey from last week’s Riga, Latvia to this week’s Amsterdam, because apparently this is the fucking Olsen & Olsen Mystery Agency—“hmmm, Riga to Amsterdam, looks like a 15-minute bike ride!

Hannah Basic sounds so sick and chooses Jed Y’all as her first one-on-one, her first victim to infect. Guys, is Hot Kennedy Nephew just chopped liv?! Hannah Basic, this is your chance to join American royalty! Jed Y’all can’t give you that!

They walk around Amsterdam and Jed Y’all hands her a flower, saying, and I cannot make this up, “Will you accept this pansy?” [keeping mature composure for 0.2 seconds before I immediately snort laughing] Jed Y’all, you said it, not me. They go on one of those Clearwater Beach self-pedaled boats, then return to land to—yep—Dance Alone in a Public Place™, a BCU trademark. They attempt to click their heels at the same time, and offend all leprechauns.

An Amsterdam-ian (Trebek, is that a word?) couple asks our hillbilly couple if they’re Netherlanders, and Jed Y’all says they’re “English”—LIKE IT’S A LANGUAGE. Hannah Basic unexpectedly says something correct with “We’re American… not English,” slowly realizing that she’s on a date with a singing ape.

It’s the night portion of the date, and can SOMEONE GET THIS GIRL SOME POWDER FOR HER D*NG RUDOLPH-NOSE? How is her coked-out nose an issue in literally every single episode? Despite her clown nose, Hannah Basic still has the confidence to tell Jed Y’all that she’s falling in love with him. He responds “my heart just fell through the earth… I’m not gonna be able to sleep for three days.” LITERALLY ME! Yay to love addiction!

Patrick Swayze gets the next one-on-one because apparently Hot Kennedy Nephew just straight-up doesn’t exist anymore. Patrick Swayze and Hannah Basic ride horses in the middle of a city, and he admits that he’s freaked out by horses, even though he has a horse-riding birthday party when he was a kid. I’ve said it before—y’all, this boy is rich. They deep-throat pickled herring and the Bachelor Overlords add pickle ASMR sound effects – why, God, why? Why hast thou forsaken me?

We cut to his night portion and WOW, Hannah Basic is really pulling out the slutty dress for Patrick Swayze. I’m not going to say that it’s because she’s fully aware of how much hotter he is than her, but I’m not going to not say that… He opens up about his parents getting divorced, then says he’s “thankful for his fails.” He finally kisses her and it only took her dress showing off 60% of her boobs.

MikeJohnson™ gets the third one-on-one, because HAS ANYONE CONFIRMED THAT HOT KENNEDY NEPHEW IS ON THIS SHOW? Like, is he fully expected to introduce Hannah Basic to Caroline Kennedy when they haven’t even had a real date yet? Why is he getting left on the side of the road? This boy is American royalty! He realizes all of this and confronts Hannah Basic for, well, forgetting that he too is a contestant on this show. She sends him home and we mourn the Kennedy family all over again.

It’s MikeJohnson™’s one-on-one, and Hannah Basic is channeling Motorcycle Barbie™ with this tragic pink leather jacket. It literally looks like if Limited Too had an outerwear collection (okay I’m done). They go biking to this art studio, where they meet an artist girl who clearly just stepped out of The Fifth Element. Leeloo tells MikeJohnson™ and Hannah Basic to strip down to their underwear so they can draw each other, and MikeJohnson™ notes that “she got me looking like Doe-Doe the clown or somethin’,” and now Hannah Basic needs a better nickname because we got a Leeloo and Doe-Doe. Leeloo then paints them and it’s actually… beautiful – who knew one of the Supreme Beings would be so good at painting?

Hannah Basic is now by herself in a museum and I am actually crying laughing at this part. The Bachelor Overlords show her staring at Girl with a Pearl Earring and visibly pondering her life decisions thus far. They zoom in on her eyes. This is hilarious and gratuitous and reminds me of Carmela Soprano. Hannah Basic is so fake-moved by this art and starts bawling. Uh oh, something is about to happen.

Yep, this Psycho Museum Scene led up to the night portion of the date, and Hannah Basic wastes no time in breaking up with MikeJohnson™ - “you’re lookin’ for your fourth lady, and I know I’m not that fourth lady.” If I didn’t know any better I’d think MikeJohnson™ just had three sister-wives. MikeJohnson™ thanks her for being honest and is TRULY a class-effin’-act. This guy deserves an Instagram model of the highest echelon—fillers for days and at least 10m followers.

After pouring one out for MikeJohnson™, we cut back to the rest of the Abercrombie & Fitch employees getting ready for their awkward 3-on-1 date. Patrick Swayze tells The Hottest 8th Grader at Church that “we have a 5’8” villain” and I would roast him for short-king-shaming if I didn’t hate that kid so dang much. Golfer Garrett tells The Hottest 8th Grader at Church, “if you pull any shit tomorrow, Pete and I are prepared for it.” I am freaking OBSESSED that he called Pilot Porny Peter “Pete”. They are truly boys and a tear rolls slowly down my cheek.

It’s the last group date ever and I fondly look back on the rugby group date—sigh. Hannah Basic tells Golfer Garrett, Pilot Porny Peter, and The Hottest 8th Grader at Church that “today’s gonna be hard, but let’s try to make it as fun as possible.” It’s literally the last group date ever and Hannah Basic’s outfit is the absolute worst exhibit of fashion styling I’ve ever seen. Her look is one-half corporate and one-half ‘I just cartoonishly beat up an elementary school teacher and stole her outfit.’ It’s so off-brand for her to be dressed so bland and conservatively, but I guess she’s trying to show that she means business tonight.

The Hottest 8th Grader at Church steals her away first and Pilot Porny Peter jokes that he and Golfer Garrett should just run and take Hannah Basic back to the hotel. The porniness – he never stops! Y’all will get to Eiffel Tower her one day, don’t you worry. The Hottest 8th Grader at Church and Golfer Garrett take turns talking smack about the other to Hannah Basic, and the only entertaining part about this is the intermittent shots of The Hottest 8th Grader at Church downing cold cuts with his bare hands.

Golfer Garrett and The Hottest 8th Grader at Church finally cut out the middle-Hannah and start yelling at each other. The biggest shit-eating grin takes over Golfer Garrett’s face as he tells The Hottest 8th Grader at Church that “your time is coming to the end.” I kid you not—it’s the same exact smile from Home Alone’s “Fuller! Go easy on the Pepsi.”

The two white boys really go at it, and The Hottest 8th Grader at Church finally goes full-on prop comedian and says, “this is a pile of bologna” – as he… drops bologna into Golfer Garrett’s lap. Where am I? Is this Carrot Top’s latest HBO special? The Hottest 8th Grader at Church leaves to tell Pilot Porny Peter about Golfer Garrett’s “bologna” and psychotically smirks at his inside joke with himself. Pilot Porny Peter gets a rose for not being involved in BolognaGate 2019—he walks back into the Amsterdam AirBnb and Patrick Swayze and Jed Y’all pounce on him in excitement. It is the cutest ever and this show is best when everyone is friends!

Hannah Basic finally changes out of her Librarian Grandma outfit for the night portion of the date, and we are at a too-snug dinner with Golfer Garrett and The Hottest 8th Grader at Church. He tells his Encounter With God In The Shower™ story for the second time already, and manages to piss me the heck off by using the word “fleshly” and saying “…here’s where the story gets good.” THAT IS SO INSINCERE AND DISINGENUOUS – ANGRY SCREAM! This kid is the worst actor on Planet Earth, and might even take that title from Adam Sandler.

Our stupid Alabama protagonist gives the rose to The Hottest 8th Grader Lying Piece of Garbage at Church, even though Golfer Garrett is the only one who’s said “I love you” – do those three words mean nothing anymore? Is The Hottest 8th Grader at Church going to take this whole thing? Golfer Garrett says goodbye to Hannah Basic, and tells her, “don’t hide that red nose.” FINALLY, someone acknowledges this girl’s perennially-Rudolph nose.

THIS WEEK’S BLOOPER, HOLY HELL. It starts off with more of Golfer Garrett and The Hottest 8th Grader at Church absolutely going off on each other, and ends with the single greatest still of this show’s entire history—Golfer Garrett with two cut-out pieces of bologna on his eyes. It’s literally the very last second of this episode, and I’m forever grateful for this image. Golfer Garrett, even though saying this apparently has no effect on anything anymore, I love you.