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Jun 4, 2019

All Hell Breaks Luke

A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelorette

We open on sunrise at the manse. The Abercrombie & Fitch sales associates congregate for their top-of-shift meeting to talk smack about now-deceased Psycho Cam. O Holiness Chris Harrison walks in and notes that the “room’s getting smaller.” Either he’s commenting on how there are only fifteen guys left, or he wants us to notice his ever-growing muscles—I see you, O Holy One.

It’s time for the first vacation and we’re heading to… drumroll, please… keep it goin’…RHODE ISLAND! YES! HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE. STAY SEATED! Pilot Peter says their New England suite has “super romantic vibes” and we’ve already established this guy is secretly a porn star, right?

Fry mah hide, Jed Y’all is gettin' a one-on-one. The date card says “Meet me in Boston” and I’m guessing the show’s Date Card Pun Department already clocked out for the summer. Sidenote—the more I look at Hot Dog Grant the more I know I’m not his type. He’s also 30 and “Unemployed” and dang—the Bachelor Overlords couldn’t throw him a bone there? Not even “Hot Dog Guy”? Or another employee at “John Paul Jones”? (I’d also accept “Daddy”.)

Hannah Basic attempts to sum up the Boston Tea Party and it is a putrid pile of uneducated garbage. She persistently mispronounces “representation” and my fourth-grade grammar teacher is rolling in her grave. (Is she dead? I don’t think?). She redeems herself in my Educated™ eyes with this quote: “Today is all about fun. Fun in America.” Fun. In. America. An album title! A 60s surf-rock comedy film! An Instagram swimsuit brand name! The options!

Let me hit you with a cold fact—this “making up facts about America” game that our Southern couple is playing? That’s improv, folks. Hannah Basic is straight-up doing a UCB warmup right now, and the only thing I don’t like about this is that Jed Y’all isn’t “yes and”-ing! C’mon, my guy – when your scene partner says something psychotic like “Paul Revere invented the bicycle,” don’t just nod with your ears-on-the-lower-half-of-your-face head. Say, “Yes, and he invented it to impress Betsy Ross, who he famously had a crush on in grade school.” Seriously, dude, how are you ever going to make a Harold team with that attitude?

🎵 Sometimes you want to go, where everybody hates this shoo-o-ooow 🎵 Hannah Basic and Jed Y’all take their respective drawls to the original Cheers bar, and our Bachelorette notes that “today has been a crash course in Boston.” Actually, everyone knows that a true crash course in Boston is saying “WICKED PISSAH!” ten times fast. I’m not even going to begin to talk about the Most Obvious Product Placement of All Time shot of Hannah Basic and Jed Y’all eating Halo Top™ (emphasized by gratuitous “mmmm!”-ing) – it’s plain offensive how dumb they think they are but I love every second of it.

Our couple then heads to the Boston Celtics… stadium? Field? I don’t know sports. They play 2-on-2 with two of the Celtics and it’s just an embarrassment of skill. Hannah Basic tries to bond with one of them about how both of their last names are Brown—literally 500,236,871 people watching are like, “YEAH… SAME.” She then asks for love advice from a professional basketball player, which is absolutely the first time that’s ever happened [see: Tristan Thompson, Kobe Bryant, Troy Bolton…].

The Abercrombie & Fitch boys are squadded up in this AirBnb when the date card is read. Discount Nick Viall visibly cringes when The Hottest 8th Grader at Church ‘warns’ everyone that he’s a “competitor”—listen, as soon as I learn how to make GIFs… it’s over for y’all.

We’re back with Jed Y’all and he unexpectedly opens up about how he initially wanted to go on this show because it’d be a “huge platform” for his music. This is the most honest anyone has ever been in the Bachelor Cinematic Universe and I just want to kiss his enlarged brain. Seriously, I can’t focus on anything he’s saying here because I can’t stop looking at the shape of his head—what caused this? Did he learn algebra too early? Hannah Basic appreciates his honesty, and he then tells her, “I feel something growing inside me that I’ve never felt before…” I really wanted his next sentence to be: “…it’s a tumor. Doc says I have six months to live—are we gonna bone or what?” He gets a rose and all the surplus cells in his head rejoice.

Snap back to Rhode Island for our group date, and folks—I am excited for this one. We observe a professional rugby team practice and I… am speechless. Their legs… are tree trunks? They’re wearing… long-sleeve polos…? [Finding a way to vocalize my extreme rugby-thirst without offending my significant other or my parents.] Sorry, where were we—oh yeah, so the rugby coach tells them that rugby is “different” because there are “no pads, no helmets”… just balls? I can’t be the only one thinking he was referencing Simple Plan’s debut album title. [Siri, play the one with 🎵 I’M JUST A KID, AND LIFE IS A NIGHTMARE 🎵]

The Hottest 8th Grader at Church isn’t sweating this lack of protection one bit: “[Everyone’s worried], but I played high school football.” He definitely uses this phrase for everything.
“I don’t want to make out with you.”
“But, I played high school football…” 
“You’re not qualified for this data analyst position.”
“But, I played high school football!”
It’s game-time and this is LITERALLY an Abercrombie & Fitch ad campaign. I silently wish Psycho Cam was still here so he can get straight-up murked here. KevinBot has an issue with his shoulder and they send him back to get x-rays. Guys, just get oil to loosen up his titanium joints; or reboot his hard drive.

Then, all hell breaks Luke. Big Luke (The Hottest 8th Grader at Church) violently body-slams Little Luke (Discount Nick Viall) on the rugby… stadium? Field? Who knows. The Hottest 8th Grader at Church attempts to apologize and Discount Nick Viall HITS ‘EM WITH THE HAND. The attitude! Cher Horowitz could never! He then says The Hottest 8th Grader at Church is “so full of shit it’s coming out of his ears,” and I am subjected to the grossest mental image in human history.

We cut to the night portion and Hannah Basic is dressed to Level 1,000,000 with a metallic suit and metallic shoes—it’s a different kind of outfit for this show and I’m obsessed. The boys attempt to match her Michelle Obama-level fashion sense and I honestly respect their Bold™ color choices, whether Garret can pull off a hot-pink blazer or not. The night devolves into absolute Luke-lear warfare and the boys have clearly sided with Discount Nick Viall. Hannah Basic pulls the Lukes aside individually to get to the bottom of LukeFest 2019. She tells Discount Nick Viall that The Hottest 8th Grader at Church snitched and said he’s only here to promote his tequila brand. He is peeved and tells the camera that it’s “not even a brand yet!” We all know the patent is still pending for Luké Cuervo! C’mon, man!

The rest of the Abercrombie & Fitch squad is just roasting The Hottest 8th Grader at Church. Everyone ends up getting so frustrated that they just leave the room—leaving the two Lukes to Luke out their Luke-ness. Meanwhile, Garrett takes advantage of LukeGate and sneaks away to tell Hannah Basic “I’m crushing on ya, hard.” Dang. This dude has been slept on by this show and seems like the most levelheaded guy here.

Back on the battlefield, Discount Nick Viall rips The Hottest 8th Grader at Church a new one, and the 8th Grader has the most terrifying response I’ve ever heard in my life—“I want to get to know you, on a deeper level.” What the actual hell? This is legit disturbing to me, and I watch Hereditary for fun. Garrett gets the rose tonight and I told myself I wouldn’t make a golf pun since all I know about him is that he golfs—so I won’t.

It’s time for Patrick Swayze’s one-on-one date and I feel stupid calling him this because he literally danced for one minute in the season premiere and hasn’t done it again since! What is this, the first act of Footloose? Is he saving his giant choreographed number for the finale? I gotta know!

Hannah Basic goes straight into complaining about how annoying the group date was and I’m honestly not listening to her because Patrick Swayze’s face is literally carved out of marble. They go on a boat to catch lobsters and he says, “stop getting lost in my eyes, okay?” I quickly bolt to full-attention, because I actually thought—for just a second—that he was saying this to me, sigh. The best quote here is when Hannah Basic asks him if he cooks—“I can whip it up a lil’ bit.” BOY, WHAT? ARE YOU IN MIGOS? QUAVO, OFFSET, TAKEOFF, PATRICK SWAYZE?!

Guys, where on earth is his accent from? I keep forgetting he’s from south Florida because he talks like a crawfish trawler from the bayou. He then says “I’ll take you any way I can get you” and I suddenly don’t care if this boy is from N’awlins or Timbuktu. They end their date with another effing concert and it’s country again so please someone kill me with a knife. My last word here—as much as I love looking at Patrick Swayze, I feel like he’s just saying all the right things and not showing an actual, genuine personality. But I don’t know, do people that hot even need to have actual personalities? Discuss.

It’s time for the cocktail party and Hannah Basic is rocking her seventh pair of Claire’s™ statement earrings in this episode alone. Pilot Peter officially asks her to be his girlfriend, and this is actually so great. Boys, write this down—we live for the boyfriend/girlfriend conversation. If you’ve ever had a girl ask you “so, what are we?” then you’re immature and need to man the frick up.

MikeJohnson™ tells Hannah Basic that he has three queens in his life and wants her to be his fourth (new spinoff alert: We Three Queens, Sundays at 8/7c). He then calls The Hottest 8th Grader at Church a “millennial f*ck” which is now my new favorite thing to say. He also calls him a psychopath, which leads The Hottest 8th Grader at Church to literally Google the definition of “psychopath” and hold it up to the camera—“that is literally the opposite of me”—which is exactly what a psychopath would say.

The Hottest Psychopath at Church and Discount Nick Viall go at it again, and Hannah finally summons both members of the Luke Society to settle LukeGate once and for all. This apparently takes precedence over a rose ceremony, and Dylan perfectly expresses how I feel about that: “I’ve never disliked any[thing] more in my entire life.”

Alas, Hannah Basic and Jed Y’all 100% confirm they’re from the South when, in tonight’s blooper, they actually talk to one of the street musicians—ew.