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May 29, 2019

Hot Dog Grant Can Ruin My Life

A Recap of This Week's Episode of The Bachelorette

We open on a sermon from O Holiness Chris Harrison. “Crazy night last night…” leading me to question—yet again—is Chris having sex with these guys?

It’s time for our first group date and everyone is having a conniption that Psycho Cam was actually invited for once. Hannah Basic’s outfit for this date is—say it with me now—B A S I C. The amount of lace and skinny jeans and pink jackets this girl owns could drown an Aeropostale whole.

The squad walks into a live reenactment of American Pie 47, y’know, the one where Jason Biggs and that girl have a baby. But seriously, his IRL wife Jenny Mollen is hilarious and the sheer fact that Jonathan knows who she is makes me feel bad that I only know him as “that one guy who brought pizza”. This is a pregnancy-education date which makes me thank the Democratic Heavens that none of Hannah Basic’s Alabama peers were available to teach the subject.

Patrick Swayze is the hottest boy I have ever seen and I don’t even care that everything coming out of his mouth is low-IQ gurgling. He absolutely has no idea how pregnancy works but he could leave me for dead on the side of a road and I would still hyperventilate if he looked at me. Jed Y’all is acing this oral female anatomy quiz and it pains me to watch Hannah Basic date all these psychopaths when the perfect man is right there.

The Abercrombie & Fitch Boys sample a Me-After-Chipotle simulator which is just 10 extra pounds of stomach and chest. They take off their shirts (of course) and put clothespins on their nipples to simulate breast-feeding (there’s definitely a kink subreddit for this). It’s then finally time for the medieval-torture-device known as the Labor Simulator, which even terrifies me—a woman who actively dreams of a chubby toddler sidekick following her everywhere.

KevinBot volunteers as tribute to go first, and Hannah Basic is impressed by his willingness—little does she know he’s incapable of experiencing human pain. Patrick Swayze is up and he is p o s i n g so hard my screen broke. JohnPaulJones™ auditions for The Exorcist 47 and truly makes it seem like giving birth is comparable to making eye contact with the devil. Everyone in the room is crying with laughter and it reminds me that this show is best when there’s no drama.

Okay, I’ll admit—Hannah Basic’s outfit for the night portion of the date is killer—black turtleneck? Leather pencil skirt? Angelina Jolie wishes. She and Jed Y’all chuck chicken nuggets off the roof and this season is clearly sponsored by McNuggets, right? Psycho Cam whines that he’s had the least amount of time with Hannah Basic, clearly forgetting that he met her earlier than anyone here. Patrick Swayze comforts him with “Ya ever watch first-grade soccer?” I have no idea where this metaphor is going but he’s a genius and should be given a Pulitzer with haste.

It low-key bothers me how hard MikeJohnson™ tries to describe himself, but he tells a beautiful story here about the pregnancy date being difficult since he and his ex experienced a miscarriage. I just want to give him and his Anastasia-filled-in eyebrows a hug. Psycho Cam interrupts this and he’s wearing a hoodie (?) under a blazer (?!?) so I don’t care about anything he says. Jonathan Pizza Boy returns the favor and interrupts him, saying “what goes around comes around.” Siri, play FutureSex/LoveSounds.

JohnPaulJones™ has zero interest in talking to the actual Bachelorette and I effing live for that. The group date rose goes to MikeJohnson™, with Hannah Basic saying “Bold can be shown in many different ways, and you showed another way to be bold tonight.” What the hell? Is this sponsored content? No one talks like that unless it’s a Super Bowl commercial and it’s making me want to Live Más™. Psycho Cam is yelling that he had to resign from his job to be here—dude, it’s a six-week sabbatical. Everyone put off their job to be here—even JohnPaulJones™, and Venice Beach Boardwalks don’t entertain themselves!

Hot Kennedy Nephew finally gets some shine after being rudely neglected all last episode. They had a one-on-one planned, but Hannah Basic isn’t feeling well so she sends a card that the date is cancelled, ‘but come over anyway.’ Awesome, now every guy I knew in college believes this technique actually works. Regardless, Hot Kennedy Nephew brings over flowers and soup and my stone heart is melting. They lay in bed next to each other, not touching whatsoever—cue intense high school flashbacks. He then tells a story about how his mom got sick on a ski trip and I’m thinking, is this guy actually a Kennedy?

The date ends abruptly since Hannah Basic is sick, but Hot Kennedy Nephew goes out in a blaze of glory by leaving notes around her room. He apparently talks like an illiterate surfer, but Good Lord, this is cute.

We cut to the absolute best moment of the episode—Hot Dog Grant chomping down pizza and telling Hot Kennedy Nephew [the two “Hot” ones] that high blood pressure is “REALLY serious, y’know, you gotta watch that.” This guy is every dad in every fantasy I’ve ever had.

A chauffeur swoops in to save Hot Kennedy Nephew from the dangers of high blood pressure, because that date? It wasn’t over—it still isn’t over! We ride over to Hannah Basic and she immediately gives this dude a rose. Now that, is Bold™. They do the Bachelor Cinematic Universe trope of dancing by themselves to an unknown band. This lead singer looks like Jon Snow and it’s just too painful and too soon.

Hey, what happened to TylerBot? Hannah Basic mentions in passing that he had to go home—which is so, so uncharacteristic of the BCU. Like, that’s it? He straight-up had a one-on-one last week, and now he’s chopped liv? Did he short-circuit? Was he recalled by his manufacturer? The world may never know.

We interrupt this conspiracy for the second group date. The Hottest 8th Grader at Church is so purely unstable that it’s just fun to watch him spiral. The boys are doing a photo shoot with animals to promote The Secret Life of Pets 2: Even Pettier, because capitalism reigns supreme! Hot Dog Grant is so excited for this and I just want to cry over him in therapy.

Demi is also back in what I’m assuming is a recurring role for this season. She’s back in her rented surveillance van to spy on this date, making some corporate-mandated connection with The Secret Life of These Guys – I just vomited in my mouth. She hired an attractive makeup artist to flirt with these guys and gauge their responses. Hot Dog Grant hits ‘em with the “you just hit on me! …I’m calling Hannah.” The Dad! We! Deserve! The boys all pass this test and Hannah Basic says Demi is “profoundly disappointed that there’s no one to stomp on.” I feel that.

Hannah Basic points out that The Hottest 8th Grader at Church “stole the show again, but this time in a negative way.” This kid’s eyes are Theranos-level wide and he’s not leaving her alone for a second. The best quote here: “It’s a fine line between being attractive and the most unattractive thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”

She confronts him about this and he literally says “Can I cut you off for a second?” My man, you just did. The Hottest 8th Grader at Church is fuming after this conversation and wants to “ignore” that it ever happened—cheers to boys who stopped emotionally developing in middle school! He then goes on an interrupting rampage and one of the boys says “There’s a fine line between Bold™ and desperate.” Wow! Yes! Straight from the Taco Bell Branding Guide! The Hottest 8th Grader at Church unravels and says “I can’t say I’m in love with her.” But… you did… last episode?! Am I losing what’s left of my Smirnoff-damaged mind?

Pilot Peter gets the group date rose after telling Hannah Basic the ‘romantic’ story of how his mom first saw his dad’s butt and decided she was going to marry the owner of that butt—we’ve established this guy’s life is a porno, right? They proceed to viciously make out and we’re subjected to more airplane puns than a dad taking his kids to Hawaii.

O Holiness Chris Harrison enters the manse to announce there will be a tailgate in lieu of a cocktail party—Hot Dog Grant calls him “Mr. Chris” and y’all—I’m bona fide in love with this man. Psycho Cam raises his hand to announce that he’s about to tell Hannah Basic something so earth-shatteringly tragic that he is fully prepared for her to send him home. The Abercrombie & Fitch Boys fall silent to process this, and MikeJohnson™ breaks the tension with “…BS.” Yes, boss.

We cut to the J. Crew Summer ’19 catalog concept of these boys all tailgating together. Psycho Cam immediately pulls Hannah Basic aside to tell her this Tragic™ story, which is about how he… almost got an amputation? And his grandmother was sick at the same time? Okay, seriously—is this real or am I, as expected, braindead? Hannah Basic and her Jessica Simpson for Sears™ heart-shaped necklace shut this story down and nobody here is happy.

MikeJohnson™ talks to her about Psycho Cam and she gives credit to the President of Delt for having a good sense of who was there for the right reasons—um, is she forgetting who he ultimately picked? Then our poor girl says Psycho Cam’s move seemed like “a ditch effort to stay” and I remember that we are dealing with an Alabama-educated person.

But, she can dress! Hannah Basic’s rose ceremony outfit has our red witch Melisandre rolling in her grave and I’m obsessed. Roses go to: Jed Y’all, Patrick Swayze, Nose Ring Guy, Dylan—which got a surprisingly huge smile from her, Hot Dog Grant (YES), The Hottest 8th Grader at Church, Garrett, JohnPaulJones™ (who accepts it “with gratitude”), Matteo, Devin, Discount Nick Viall, and KevinBot. Peace the hell out, Psycho Cam! Looks like he’s…ABC, always be… crying…[puts on sunglasses anyway].

This week’s blooper goes to Garrett waxing his chest. Hannah Basic points out that he “thrives in the pain” and the kink levels are off the dang charts.

This episode has been brought to you by Bold™. We don’t know what we’re advertising either.