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Mar 5, 2019

This Is What It Sounds Like, When Blondes Cry

alternate title: The One Where Everyone’s Hymens Are Intact 

A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelor

We open on the Los Angeles skyline, staunchly kicking off the theme of this episode—Things I’ve Personally Experienced So Many Times Why Does This Show Hate Me So Much.

The rose ceremony from last week is apparently still happening, since the President of Delt pranced off right after giving out the last rose to talk to Daddy Chris for a sec. The remaining trinity of Pretty Girls™ are baffled – how must we end the sacred rose ritual without our mandatory staged champagne toast?! Thy Bachelor Overlords will not be quenched!

Our sweet President of Delt and O Holiness Chris Harrison are sitting on a stoop outside of the mansion, and it’s quite literally the scene from The 40-Year-Old Virgin where he asks, “Is it true that if you don’t use it, you lose it?” We cut to our weekly confessional where the President of Delt tells us yet again that he wants to lose his virginity in a sweet, special, passionate, tender, loving, affectionate, perfect, oh-my-God-does-he-honestly-believe-this, caring way. He says this while wearing a black button-down so you know he’s being serious, because when was the last time a buff club promoter lied to you?

He finally re-enters the rose ceremony for the Staged Champagne Toast, and if you blink, you’ll miss a loaded moment of foreshadowing here: CBC ‘jokingly’ whines “you just left!!” The President of Delt instantly replies “I had to talk to Chris! Sorry!” Doesn’t sound like an interaction between two people who are on the same page, right?

The President of Delt clunkily recites his next line—they’re going to Portugal! He then says, “I’ve never been to Europe!” I immediately take out a heavy, leather-bound journal and write “Thing #20,537 The President of Delt Hasn’t Done: Been to Europe

We then watch a montage for each remaining Pretty Girl™ to reminisce on each of their illustrious three-week relationships. Each montage noticeably uses a different Instagram filter, I’m guessing so we can distinguish them from each other. First is a soft focus montage of the President of Delt and T A Y S H I A doing Adventurous and Unique Things. We then have a vignette montage of his making-out-in-the-Hollister-dressing-room relationship with CBC. Lastly, I’m not sure if they used the Kira Kira sparkle app for Thimble’s montage, or if it’s just inching closer to midnight and her “human” spell is starting to wear off.

Y’all, it is finally time for the overnight dates. This whole season has been pounding us on the skull with the fact that the President of Delt is a virgin, so this round of dates has been highly anticipated. However, the tension and pressure leading up to the act is so high, so overhyped, that there is no way it’s going to pay off in a satisfying way—much like, yes, losing your virginity (high five).

Regardless, it’s time for the first date. T A Y S H I A is beaming with excitement and you can still see every single one of her teeth—I wouldn’t be surprised to hear this 28-year-old is still living off her tooth fairy money. Damn. Meanwhile, the President of Delt continues to flummox me with his fashion choices—this time, it’s a silk-like scarf with… trees on it…? The pair is doing yet another Adventurous and Unique Thing, a helicopter ride over Portugal – the President of Delt started this season afraid of heights, and now he’s literally the guy who makes his Tinder picture him at the top of Machu Picchu. That’s a left swipe from me, dawg.

The two then have a not-at-all-sponsored-by-the-Portuguese-Tourism-Board conversation about Portugal’s exports—
T A Y S H I A: “They do olive oil.” 
PRESIDENT OF DELT: “Extra virgin though.” 
T A Y S H I A: “Just how I like ‘em.”
Honestly, it’s a great joke, but at this point, we’ve heard approximately one billion jillion dillion virginity jokes—find some new material, sweeties.

They finally deplane the helicopter to relax. Wait, just kidding, they’re now having a picnic on the EDGE of a MOTHEREFFING CLIFF. We get it, you guys love heights now. To distract from this terrifying cliff, I count T A Y S H I A’s teeth and only reach 47 before they cut to commercial.

On a serious note, I wonder how the Bachelor Overlords picked the date order. These producers, not the President of Delt himself, appear to have full control over who he loses his virginity to. This realization makes me uncomfortable and I down another sleeve of Most Stuft Oreos in solace.

The President of Delt might realize this too, because our boy is Nervous with a capital N. He is truly making the most stupid jokes, like saying he can’t stand up because he’s not flexible, “probably because I’m a virgin!” Here’s an honest-to-God picture of how he said it: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

We reluctantly leave the edge of a cliff for the dinner portion of the date, and dude is matrimony-level committed to scarves in Portugal. This one is plaid with tassels, so you already know—no one is having sex tonight.

Still, the two attempt foreplay with the Cosmopolitan-guaranteed technique Talking About Your Cheating Ex-Husband. This conversation is loudly punctuated by T A Y S H I A adjusting her low-cut dress to hide a nip slip—the President of Delt: “I saw that one.” SORRY, WHAT? Either she’s wearing pasties or dude didn’t actually see nipple, because that’s definitely not the ideal reaction to the first time seeing your future-wife’s boobs. Because of that weak reaction, I don’t think he actually saw nipple here, and—as Mean Girls taught us—it only counts if you saw a nipple.

The two of them carry on with their stupid conversation AS IF WE DIDN’T JUST HAVE A BOUT OF NEAR-NUDITY and I am, yet again, not listening to anything they’re saying. The subtext is louder than the actual words here—Let’s. Effing. Bone.

We’re finally in the glorified Fantasy Suite, and the President of Delt is slowly feeding chocolate to T A Y S H I A’s canines and premolars. Guys, why is chocolate sexy? It makes you look like you’re missing teeth (possibly a good thing for T A Y S H I A) and really doesn’t make your breath makeout-worthy. This is my political platform—Desexualize Chocolate 2019.

They pop a champagne bottle and it is LOUD. The President of Delt, like a golden retriever, is terrified at this noise – we finally find something that scares him more than last episode’s Southern Satan etiquette instructor.

He tells the camera, “I’ve pretty much… done… I’m… experienced… in other ways…” because apparently you can’t scream “I’VE BEEN TO THIRD BASE!” on national television. This is the absolute most dramatic music in the history of everything ever. Seriously. The soundtrack to the battle between Jon Snow and Ramsay Bolton sounds like a dang lullaby compared to this.

It’s the next morning. We see a bird flying, we see a bee buzzing—what’s that? Birds? Bees? Do you think the Bachelor Overlords did that on purpose?! Naughty, naughty! If the joke was any more obvious I would die from blunt trauma to the head! We cut to a crumpled-up towel on the floor (nice). The first thing we hear, “I enjoyed having our conversation.” Uhhhhhhh, that’s either the lamest euphemism ever, or these people just flat-out didn’t bone. Sadly, there is still tension in the air, and I’m not talking about the it’s-Saturday-morning-what-is-my-one-night-stand-still-doing-here tension. This conversation is, well, polite, and just doesn’t sound like these people exchanged bodily fluids (besides spit, of course).

Going along with the theme of Things I’ve Personally Experienced So Many Times Why Does This Show Hate Me So Much, I know exactly what happened here. This date is when you have an all-night-long heart-to-heart AIM chat with the guy you’re absolutely in love with, but he refuses to hang out with you in person because he “respects you too much,” and “doesn’t want to let you down” – then you find out years later that not only was he just not that into you, but he wasn’t even into women to begin with. This is relatable, right? Please?

The President of Delt says to the camera, “my mind is still thinking about the other two relationships.” BRUTAL. I think we all know what this means. T A Y S H I A is going H O M E.

It’s time for the next overnight date with CBC, so clearly someone is trying to kick off their sex life missionary-style. The President of Delt is wearing some sort of chambray pastel-striped shirt, and honestly looks like a goddamn Easter egg. Apparently “riffing around a Portuguese CVS” qualifies as a date now, and these kids are really giving Seinfeld a run for his money. “It’s a door wedge!” “That’s so random!” Literally shoot me in the fucking face.

Guys, I just had a psychic vision of CBC and Chad from JoJo’s season together, and now I can’t get that out of my head. CBC is an evil Supreme Hollister Employee, and needs someone as evil and conventionally good-looking as her—sigh, a match made in Bachelor Hell.

Fun game: can you name one season where they don’t viciously make out in a dark alley while on vacation? Nope, didn’t think so. Dark alley slobberfests are firmly in Bachelor canon—right along with rose ceremonies and shirtless thinking scenes.

Okay, so here’s my honest take – I think CBC really likes the President of Delt. I think she genuinely thinks he’s a good person. I think she wants to abide by her Bible that is the Hollister SS19 Branding Guide. I also think she’s only 23 years old and not trying to get married right now. Hell, when I was 23 I was literally fresh out of a relationship with a convicted felon. Y’never know where life will take you, kids. CBC further proves her intellect with “I think spending forever with someone is a really big commitment.” WHOA. WHEW. HELLO? MACARTHUR GENIUS GRANT? I HAVE CBC ON THE LINE.

We then see the moment that changes everything. The two blonde Hollister managers are talking about the hometown date, and the President of Delt reveals that he ultimately didn’t get ShadyDad™’s approval to propose. He says this casually, clearly assuming she talked about it with her dad already—this is a totally safe and reasonable assumption. However, we soon learn that this was not the case at all. This revelation literally flips a switch in CBC’s blonde FemBot brain, and all Bachelor Hell breaks loose.

This shifts the energy of the entire episode. It’s a lot to process, so I wrote a Dr. Seuss-style limerick to help.
I think CBC is mad.
I think she’s mad at her dad.
She’s mad at her dad, for making her look bad.
And now she should run off with Chad. Yay!
Furthering the theme of Things I’ve Personally Experienced So Many Times Why Does This Show Hate Me So Much, CBC is using a classic breakup technique here—using a small event as grounds for a breakup so you have something easy and concrete to blame it on.

Ah! A wild ShadyDad™ appears! Again! We get a surprise cameo from the star of last week’s episode—and I’m honestly shocked that this California local has a valid passport.

The dad and Veruca Salt of a daughter follow up on their tense hometown discussion. ShadyDad™ says that she should be extremely selective with who she marries, because “the commitment of marriage is second to your commitment to God.” ShadyDad™ immediately goes down ten points in my book for reminding me of my Southern Baptist elementary school.

Sincere tangent time from old Auntie Kal—it really bothers me when CBC says “I wanted you to be supportive.” Guess what, guys– we all want our family to be supportive. We all want them to approve of everything we do and everyone we love. But this is rarely the case, and for her to say that she wanted them to blanket-statement approve of her relationship is naïve and ignorant. If your family approved of everything, no questions asked, then what would it even be worth? Sometimes your boyfriend sucks. Sometimes your improv show wasn’t that funny. Sometimes you just have to buck up, respect their opinion, and go on living your life. (Disclaimer: All of my improv shows are God-level hysterical and I truly can’t relate to this in any way, shape, or form.)

The ten points are immediately redeemed in spades when ShadyDad™ hits us with this quote: “Y’know, when I met Mom, I wasn’t looking for a relationship at all. Then, she came in my life, and boom. I was struck.”

TOO CUTE, ugh. CBC is also blown away by the love between her conventionally attractive parents and says, “I want what my dad and my mom have… and I don’t have that right now.”

Meanwhile, the President of Delt continues to be Oblivious King of the Century and tells us that CBC “is the one… despite all of this, I can see us working forever.” Okay, whoa. What about T A Y S H I A? Or worse, what about THIMBLE?! She has gotten 0.000 shine in this episode. I am altering my political platform—Desexualize Chocolate And Also Justice For Thimble 2019.

We then trudge forward into the most drawn-out, painful breakup scene in Bachelor history. I say this because the President of Delt is in complete and utter denial. It’s sad to watch, and triggers that exact feeling in all of us. He may seem stupid, but you know you’ve been there. Hell, I’ve had guys straight-up tell me they think I’m the worst and my love-stained mind took that as fun playful jokes imminently leading to our happy marriage. Sometimes, you’re not on the same page – and denial is our only way to cope.

I then lighten my own mood by imagining the President of Delt taking four Viagra right before this date and just having an absolute raging hard-on during all of this.

CBC storms off, and starts talking into the wind like some white-washed Pocahontas. The President of Delt follows her, and I personally hate this demeaning word more than anything, but our boy is in full-on Desperate mode.

Guys, listen to people. Don’t torture yourself by forcing them to spell it out for you. The President of Delt here is a textbook case of refusing to listen when someone is trying so hard to tell you something. This is heavy, and sad, and I’m immediately reminded of my AIM-gay-husband.

We have only eighteen minutes left in the episode, meaning we still have time for the President of Delt to lose his virginity three times. Instead, we are water-boarded with two crying blondes unable to fathom that there’s more to compatibility than two people being hot.

The President of Delt is infuriated, and runs off the set, ergh, I mean, “Authentic Date Location”. This is literally The Truman Show when he finds out he’s being watched and everyone starts chasing him.

Y’ALL. THE. FENCE. JUMP. Lest you forget we’re dealing with a world-class athlete, sweetie!

O Holiness Chris Harrison and the rest of His production disciples can’t find the President of Delt anywhere, and everyone is screaming his name so much that the syllables start to sound funny. After all of their searching, “he’s gone.” We get slapped with an all-caps TO BE CONTINUED. Thimble imminently turns back into a pumpkin before we could even get to her date.

This week’s blooper goes to the soon-to-be-deceased T A Y S H I A, learning that the President of Delt has never tasted an apricot, or a date, or anything remotely good ever.

Thing #20,538 The President of Delt Hasn’t Done: Eaten an Apricot

Welp, see y’all tomorrow for the Women Tell All, where we set feminism back 100 years :)