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Mar 12, 2019

And Then There Were None

A Recap of Last Night's Part I of The Bachelor Finale

We open on a studio audience, baby! Lest you forget this isn’t real life in the slightest!

The audience is filled with vague white women and their only-curled-at-the-bottom hair, all absolutely frothing at the mouth to be in the presence of their Lord and Savior, O Holiness Chris Harrison.

O Holiness (I just thought of the nickname Christ Harrison and instantly regret everything) announces that tonight is the first of a two-night season finale, because the Bachelor Overlords have officially stopped pretending to respect my time or my dignity.

We’re then treated to a—say it with me now—MONTAGE! Because last week’s MontageFest 2019 just wasn’t enough, sisters! At last, the Overlords have heard our cries: what do we want? RECYCLED CLIPS OF THE SHOW WE LITERALLY JUST WATCHED! When do we want it? WHENEVER YOU GUYS NEED TO FILL TIME, IT’S FINE! Loud n’ proud, ladies!

The best part of this Totally Necessary Montage™ is when Horse Girl describes her first kiss ever as “by far, the best kiss of my life.” Bitch, “BY FAR”?! Either she’s being cute, or she’s actually counting that one time she mouth-fed Victory Grace.

Finally, the episode begins. The producers are begging the President of Delt to come back, (🎵you can blame it alllll on meeeeee🎵) but not before the ultimate moment of comedy happens—right after the fence jump, when O Holiness very easily opens the fence. LMFAO. Dear Lord, like, that is a Monty Python level of funniness that no mere mortal can reach.

We’re getting major Blair Witch Project vibes with these shaky camera shots, and O Holiness asks someone in a parked van if they’ve seen anybody walk through – because of course this anonymous guy… parked in a white van… in the middle of a Portuguese forest… was paying attention to that, and absolutely not in the middle of murdering someone.

O Holiness then calls someone to tell them the President of Delt is MIA, then tells them the time after checking it ON HIS OTHER PHONE. Yep—bow down, peasants. Our Savior has two (2) phones: one for the plug and one for the load.

Alas! A wild Bachelor appears! The President of Delt stays true to his toddler self and does not acknowledge them at all. He then screams “I’m not okay!” and I’m debating whether he’s in fact acting like a toddler, or just yelling the name of his favorite My Chemical Romance song. He then tells O Holiness that he’s done, with all of this. I silently mourn the brief moment when I thought, years ago, that he was going to bang three girls in three nights. I was so innocent, so naïve. [A news alert flashes on my TV: “SoCal Sex Predator Caught On Cam”. I promise myself that I won’t make a joke about how, finally, someone here is getting some action, so I don’t.]

We cut to the morning after. O Holiness sits down with the President of Delt to discuss rejection in a five-star Airbnb. “Last night… last night was wild.” Uh, did y’all hook up?

For the first time ever, the President of Delt neatly sums up his feelings—he “fell in love” with CBC, and was only “falling in love” with the other two girls. Ah, did you hear that, kids? Verb tenses matter! The worst, most embarrassing part of all of this is when the President of Delt says that he honestly thinks his other two relationships are what had been holding CBC back from fully falling in love with him. O Holiness then appropriately annihilates this with, “what if the bottom line is, she’s just not that into you?” YES! I AM SCREAMING! Behold! The Second Coming!

Even still, the President of Delt says he not only wants to tell CBC that he loves her, but he wants to “show her,” which is always someone’s last words right before they commit a violent felony. Instead, he’s knocking on a door, and I actually think this could be CBC’s door—maybe by “show her,” he meant he’s finally ready to get it on!

VirginityWatch Status: Hopeful!

The door opens, and it’s T A Y S H I A.

VirginityWatch Status: Nope.

You can tell by the look on her face that she already knows what’s happening. The President of Delt continues to make this more obvious by starting off with “You’re incredible…” Seriously, no one ever opens with that to not break up with someone.

He tells her that he loves CBC, and she is suitably shook. T A Y S H I A then asks to speak to him without all the cameras, and they disappear into her room. The two don’t realize that their mics are still on and popping, leading to five minutes of goth ASMR. She, the person who just got broken up with, then comforts him, the person who initiated the breakup—further proving that women are fierce queens and men are soggy pancakes. Sigh. R I P my sweet T A Y S H.

We’re back to the white studio audience, and they are stunned silent. O Holiness comforts us with “T A Y S H I A is here, and she’s very emotional,” – this is now the only way I ever want to be introduced, thank you. She then walks on stage looking like a million US dollars. Long hair, jeweled gown, STATEMENT EAR CUFF?! Who gave you permission?

O Holiness then brings out the President of Delt, reuniting him and T A Y S H I A for the first time since their ASMR breakup. Folks, I honestly don’t know what was said here – all I could focus on was our dude’s elementary-school hairdo. What in fresh hell. It literally looks like he put his palm flat on his forehead and used the other hand to gel up the front to look like a Tony Hawk halfpipe.

The two hotties hug it out, and we finally get to the title of my first novel—Justice for Thimble.

I’ll say it—I am under Thimble’s spell. She always has such a mischievous twinkle in her eye, and her awkward-defense-mechanism hand motions would make RuPaul proud. But, despite her magic, the President of Delt arrives to execute Surprise Breakup #2. I notice he’s wearing some sort of stupid purple thread bracelet—what the hell is that? Did he get that at the Hallmark store? Does it have a bead on it that symbolizes ~enlightenment~ or ~truth~? If so, it’s gonna take a favillion jillion million more beads to help this pup.

He says, “you’ve made me better,” and she replies with “that’s what I do, I make everybody better, and they don’t want to stick around.” UM, did she just admit to being a fairy? I knew it, I knew it! They then woefully close their eyes and cuddle, which I’m guessing is how the President of Delt thinks people get pregnant. Her Not Prince Charming finally leaves, and she continues to fake-pack a denim jacket into a carry-on that she could literally fit inside if she tried.

Our fairy princess is also here tonight, and is also wearing a statement earring. Guys, can we please make Revenge Earrings a thing? Amazing.

Thimble tells O Holiness that it was hard for her to relive this fated relationship every week. “[People come up to me and say] ‘hey! Lemme see your engagement ring!’ …I don’t have one!” Welp, it’s official—I have never related to anything more in my entire life.

O Holiness says, “That gets lost sometimes as we all watch this television show, but this is your life.” The Master barely hides his maniacal smile, pulling and pulling the strings of His puppets.

The Stupid President of Delt returns to the stage, and guess what—he friggin’ sucks. Thimble then owns his life with, “I want somebody to jump a fence for me.” Yes, girl! This is only the beginning of your Disney movie! Your prince hasn’t even been introduced yet! O Holiness then disses the President of Delt’s haircut, and he is visibly shook at the concept of his looks being Not Good™.

“For the first time in Bachelor history, there are no women left on the show.”

VirginityWatch Status: Logistically Impossible.

Oh. My. Christ. If it isn’t… the BOI SQUAD! Jason, Ben (who, as we know, is actually kind of hot if you look at him from exactly the right angle and imagine him in a totally different context), MAGA-rrett, and <3 B L A K E <3. I love this man so much, so wholeheartedly, that—wait, is this fool wearing… cowboy boots? And a black button-down? Seriously, Blake? Are you a twelve-year-old boy who turned Big? I’m devastated.

Smooth Boy Jason preaches to the two rejected PrettyGirls™, “A new door does open, and there is happiness around the corner.” O Holiness then asks MAGA-rrett for any thoughts whatsoever and he basically gabbles something along the lines of “I like turtles.” Ben completely butchers a joke about the President of Delt’s haircut poking his eyes out and I honestly don’t even mind—the bar for the male species is set so, so low.

This episode is almost over, and we finally catch up with the impetus to this whole episode—CBC. She’s wearing a see-through white shirt and blue bra, because that is the kind of fashion choice you make when you’re conventionally beautiful.

“I’m sad to see it over, but I did make the right choice… I don’t want him to base any decisions off of me.” HAHAHAHA. This is Shakespearean levels of dramatic irony! I can’t handle! My ninth-grade literature teacher is shaking in her hemp sandals!

Speaking of which, if I wanted to see a guy cry over a conventionally beautiful girl, I would just close my eyes and remember literally all of high school. “Love is messy,” says the guy who’s never had sex before. Y’all.

The President of Delt then threatens us by saying he didn’t fight for his last relationship, and he’s not making that same mistake twice. Eek. O Holiness then closes us out, and rudely leaves us with no blooper. Guys, this all ends tomorrow. Plus, we’ll find out who the new Bachelorette is – fingers crossed for Horse Girl!

VirginityWatch Status: