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Feb 12, 2019

De Rise, De Fall, Demi

A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelor

We open on the Thailand beach at night. The President of Delt is just walking on the shore in a full-on suit, looking like an absolute Backstreet Boys video.

Real question, guys—who enchanted a thimble and brought Hannah G. to life?
For real. All the girls are talking about what the President of Delt could be thinking while he’s starring in the “I Want It That Way” video, and Hannah G. is holding—what looks to be—a completely average-sized wine glass, and it is AS BIG AS HER WHOLE HEAD. She literally has the same body/face/.25-pound weight of Tinkerbell. But, anyone who’s been to my 18th birthday party (or seen my phone case) knows that I’m obsessed with Tinkerbell, so I will NOT give her the satisfaction of that nickname. M’lady, m’wee lady, you are Thimble.

For those of you who think your signal got intercepted by an airing of Mean Girls, you’re not alone. Onyeka literally channels Regina George by plopping down and collectively asking the girls if they feel that she’s bullied them. When nobody answers because it is so effing uncomfortable, she then completes the Regina impression with “See? Not a single person can say that I bully them.” GIRL… NO. Onyeka might not actually be a bully, but this is textbook bully behavior.

If you really wanted to know if people felt victimized by you, would you put them all on blast in a potentially embarrassing group setting? Seriously, Onyeka is one step away from Mrs. Norbury holding an emergency meeting about her in the gymnasium—and I can’t help it if I’ve got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina!  

Katie, the Most Underrated Contestant Here, looks STUNNING. What workout are you doing? Is it leisurely walking on a treadmill for 20 minutes while watching YouTube beauty tutorials? I hope so. We then naturally cut to Thai mega-crabs picking up garbage on the beach. This is the craziest cutaway in Bachelor history and I must have the name of the intern who was high enough to sincerely film that. 

Everyone lines up in their LuLu*s best for the first rose ceremony of the night—yes, we have two rose ceremonies tonight! It’s the Gauntlet! It’s Thunderdome! It’s Hollister letting go of their seasonal employees!

Queen Caelynn stops whisper-scolding her misbehaving imaginary toddler to accept the first rose. Tayshia accepts a rose. Kirpa’s chin gauze gains sentience and reaches out with its two gauze-arms to accept a rose. Demi continues to desperately convince America that she knows what a thesaurus is by using a different word to mean “happy” each time she accepts a rose. Thimble, Katie the Most Underrated Contestant Here, and Awesome-NBA-Dancer Sydney each accept a rose, leaving Beef Buddies Onyeka and Nicole in the dust. WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED HERE, KIDS? I’ve said this a million times, and I’ll say it again—when you put sweat against nostrils, everyone loses.

Onyeka then gracefully exits with “At least I got rejected to not Nicole.” Uh, what? If you’re going to come for Regina George at least make your insults coherent. The President of Delt tells Nicole to “give your brother a hug for me,” yikes. That is clear code for “y’got friendzoned, kid.”

I have to give credit to the President of Delt for nixing both Beef Buddies. If the Bachelor Overlords™ had their way, the President of Delt would’ve either intensified the beef by giving both of them a rose, or indulged it further by just siding with one. But nope, not today. The President of Delt went full-on Mary J. Blige and said “no… more… DRAMA!”


I will bet every student loan dollar that none of these Hollister models know they’re screaming a legendary Robin Williams movie title, but moving on. 

We haven’t seen the President of Delt shower yet, in which I immediately call my cable company’s customer service because clearly my TV is broken. Oh wait, he’s running on the beach. Yes, our mandated shirtless moment.

The Hollister team is officially in Vietnam, and I will NOT make a joke about how this is the most traumatic thing to ever happen there, so I WON’T.

I briefly notice Kirpa’s eyebrows and their utterly perfect shape and thickness. I then quickly snap out of it and remember it’s just a conspiracy to distract from ChinGauzeGate 2019. We will never forget.

Thimble slips on her size-3 sandals, has a big gust of morning air for breakfast, and calls upon her singing bluebird to do her hair—it’s time for her first one-on-one.

The aggressively disproportionate couple have their first date in a spa, and I am engorged with envy. But listen, I don’t care how hot you are, if you try to make out with me while I’m deep-cleaning my pores, literally get the hell out of my blackhead-filled life forever.

THE. QUOTE. OF. THE. NIGHT. Thimble and Prince Delt move on to a full-body spa wrap, where he giggles to her that “you look like a sushi roll.” We then famously cut to him telling the camera—

Sirens go off. Fire hydrants explode. Girls and boys across the nation immediately become pregnant.

Back at the manse, Queen Caelynn doubts Thimble’s personality, saying “she’s relied on her beauty for all of her life." Wait??? Aren’t you??? A pageant girl????? Like??? It’s literally your job title???????

It’s the night portion of the date, and the President of Delt has changed into his finest constellation-looking button down. I have read his horoscopes and interpreted all of his star maps to conclude—this shirt is fugly. We are then cruelly subjected to two Hollister sales associates using one-syllable words to talk about how divorce is bad. I am yawning and yearning for the minutes-earlier Mega Makeout Montage™.

Surprise, surprise—Thimble gets a rose. She then giggled three times, which, in the twinkle of an eye, made her so small she jumped inside of the rose to begin her night’s slumber.

It’s time for the wanted-by-no-one group date. The girls all trot down the stairs Von Trapp-style in their tags-still-on Victoria’s Secret activewear. It’s time to learn martial arts, and I just now noticed that Horse Girl’s job title is now “Has Been Kissed” – congrats on the promotion!!!

The President of Delt is ready for his fighting-themed date function, and Hannah B., which I’m positive stands for Basic, growls… again… I am… slowly pulling my hair out…

O Holiness Chris Harrison and the host of Bachelor Vietnam—hold up, there’s a Bach ‘Nam???—are here to commentate duels between the girls. This show continues to be a great message for women everywhere. 

The girls throw bows at each other, wildly giggling throughout. The only girl to actually get heated is Demi, who’s not her usual 8th-grade-girl-cast-as-the-strong-female-lead-in-the-school-play self ever since the thought flickered in her little brain that she might not have the top spot here. Her mouth says, “these girls aren’t even competition to me” but her face reminds us that this is all just an act, and it’s slowly but surely crumbling. The President of Delt notices this change in demeanor, and aptly describes it as “…not good.”

It’s the night portion, and one of the Hollister sales associates waxes poetic about how “every week the roses that are given out have more weight.” O Holiness Chris Harrison is seen in the background, adding more and more lead to the roses, slowly bringing down the franchise that ruined his youth.

Katie the Most Underrated Contestant Here finally gets some well-deserved screen time by opening up and showing some vulnerability. The President of Delt likes her. Maybe he’ll ask her to formal, fingers crossed. Hannah Basic smiles like a certified mental patient – “If you choose me at the end of this… it’s a bunch, I’m kinda complicated and weird.” I just cringed so hard and my face will never recover.

Demi uses her one-on-one time to tell the President of Delt that she’s “not a fighter” and wants to be “soft and sensitive.” WHAT?!?! The 8th-grade-play director is quaking – our lead is going off-script! She then calls her mom, who just Shawshanked out of federal prison. This would be a compelling storyline but I don’t trust anyone who calls their mom “Mommy” and that’s the end of that! 

Awesome-NBA-Dancer Sydney is still absolutely unraveling, but this time it’s straight to the President of Delt’s hot face. She tells him Demi and Hannah Basic (who is trying to show she has “personality” by playing with sticks) are not ready for marriage, and that he’s been making the “easier choices”. The SHADE! We will never see the sun again! She continues to spiral and we soon realize that this is going to be the second girl to voluntarily hari-kari herself – I promised myself I would NOT make a joke about how she’s not the first person to hari-kari herself in ‘Nam, so I WON’T. She sends herself home, and tells the President of Delt, “Don’t be distracted by shiny things” which is most definitely a Kacey Musgraves lyric.

Tayshia gets the group date rose, I’m guessing by 1) not calling white-collar-criminal mother, or 2) not sending herself home.

It’s finally time for Kirpa’s first one-on-one, but more importantly—our girl used Neosporin! There is nary a giant strap of gauze on her finally-normal chin! Hoorah! The President of Delt says he wants to dive deeper with Kirpa, just as footage shows them literally diving. Who is the Coordinator of Puns for this show? I salute you and your dedication.

Kirpa reveals she used to be engaged, which I’m guessing she first talked about while wearing that giant bandage because I truly had no idea about this. She says her ex-fiancée was also a virgin, which is “something that you guys had in common,” because everyone loves to be compared to exes! So cute and fun! Kirpa barely responds to being asked if she’d get engaged again, but the President of Delt can’t hear her over the sound of his pecs and gives her the rose.

Back at the ranch, Demi gets gussied up in her finest Brandy Melville ‘fit and marches straight to the Delt House to claim someone’s virginity. She attempts to rehearse her “Flirty Girl” lines and the President of Delt immediately shuts this down, and everything turns south. “I don’t know if I can see myself with you at the end of this.”

Holy. Chanel. Almighty. This is real. This is happening. Demi is going home, no virginities in hand.

At this rate, we really don’t need rose ceremonies anymore. The girls just need to fester in their craziness long enough to confront him and get sent home prematurely! It’s called efficiency, sweetie.

“Being hurt is just the story of my life, nobody has ever loved me back.” Jesus, someone’s been listening to My Chemical Romance lyric. But seriously, it’s heartbreaking to see her with zero confidence. It just goes to show—it was all an act, and the show is now over. 

In the name of efficiency, we skip the cocktail party and go straight to the rose ceremony. Hannah Basic and Queen Caelynn snatch the first two roses. CBC (Conventionally Beautiful Cassie) is still somehow here. Horse Girl gallops towards her rose like it’s a juicy carrot. 

Katie the Most Underrated Contestant Here does… NOT get a rose?! How? The President of Delt insists on walking her out and she truly does not give an eff to talk to him. I love this girl and she deserves so much better—like, the President of Pike.

The week’s blooper posthumously goes to Demi, who is explaining prison barter economy to someone who does not care. This usually would be somewhat cute and funny, but given her pitiable demise, this just doesn’t work.

RIP, sweetie.

Coming soon… the FENCE JUMP heard ‘round the world.