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Feb 26, 2019

Dads! Dads! Dads!

A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelor

We open on a… SHOWER. HOO BOY. We are wasting NO time tonight, folks. I am surprised the President of Delt has chest hair—he seems like the type to shave it to look smooth and Hollister-esque but he doesn’t and I respect that.  

Virginia, baby! It’s time for the first hometown date with… Caelynn? Wait, her title card says she’s from Charlotte, North Carolina. And she’s literally Miss North Carolina… why are we in Virginia? I’ll tell you why – Caelynn’s a traitor! A traitor, I tell thee!

The President of Delt and Carolina Ex-Pat Caelynn hop into a horse and carriage driven by two lesbian magicians. Seriously, who are these ladies and why are they wearing matching top hats? And do we really need two people to drive a horse and carriage? Are they actually just conjoined twins—cursed to drive the carriage for all eternity?

Carolina Ex-Pat Caelynn and our boy are both wearing Express leather bombers for this magic carriage ride, and the white couple stops at a local ice cream place, where he orders—say it with me now—VANILLA.

The two leather jackets are talking about life and bond over the wildly unique quality that they both want a dog. I don’t know if she’s just nervous, but something is off here. They seem like they barely know each other, and the chemistry is straight-up weak. The Carolina Ex-Pat says that her biological father is not in her life at all, and I bravely and beautifully withhold any obvious joke about daddy issues. The white couple then continue to closed-mouth kiss and I’m disgusted—either make out or get out.

Here we go—it’s time to meet the Carolina Ex-Pat’s family, which seems to be an assortment of false eyelashes and receding hairlines bouncing around a vague BBQ setting.

A Wild NiceDad™ Appears!

Here we go, y’all. It’s our first dad, and he’s a classic NiceDad™. The Carolina Ex-Pat’s stepdad John has such kind eyes, and all I want him to do is sing me a lullaby.

But don’t let those kind eyes fool you, NiceDad™ can protect and attack. He is absolutely triggered by the President of Delt hand-feeding the Carolina Ex-Pat. “He’s doing the wedding cake thing,” he says as he is telepathically begging someone to hold him back.

We are getting ready to eat, and the President of Delt goes to make a toast with… IS THAT KOOL-AID?! Everyone’s beverage has a neon red color that doesn’t exist in nature and is simply beyond any color spectrum of this galaxy.

The Carolina Ex-Pat and her sister talk one-on-one, and it’s really just a silent competition over whose false eyelashes could cause more violence.

Someone sent me a meme last week (brag!) of the Carolina Ex-Pat next to a Furby, and WOW the resemblance is uncanny. These two Pageant Furbies™ are just aggressively batting their eyelashes at each other, and the Carolina Ex-Pat doesn’t seem to be emotionally invested in this at all. Seriously, girl, you’re lucky Miss USA doesn’t have an acting portion, dear God.

The President of Delt is now talking one-on-one with the Carolina Ex-Pat’s mom, who I honestly thought from the previews was Thimble’s mom due to her petite frame. Mom says “I don’t know if Caelynn’s ready, I have no idea.” HAHAHAHA. The mom is here to sabotage and I’m loving every minute of it!

NiceDad™ then comes through with what might be the best shade of this whole episode. He tells his daughter that everything she says about the President of Delt sounds like “you could just be friends.” LMAO. Rock me to sleep, NiceDad™, I love you so much. The Carolina Ex-Pat then launches into a classic stepchild/stepdad bonding speech in efforts to distract Nice Dad™. Her emotional terrorism works and we’re reminded that this ex-pat is also one half of the ruthless, soulless Supreme Hollister Employee duo.

Finally, the President of Delt and NiceDad™ are head-to-head, I mean, one-on-one. NiceDad™ says, “How do you know you’re the right person for her?” to which our boy replies, “I don’t.” Gah! The President of Delt is beginning to crack! He quickly regains strength by giving gratuitous compliments—NiceDad™ is too easily distracted by compliments! Stay strong, NiceDad™! Who else is going to sing me “Cat’s In The Cradle”?

The President of Delt then asks for the Carolina Ex-Pat’s hand in marriage, and I immediately hate him and his perfect jawline. Asking every single remaining dad for their daughter’s hand is such a low blow, and straight-up emotional warfare on our blessed dads. The Carolina Ex-Pat and the President of Delt finally reunite to watch a slideshow of young Furbies. She then confesses outside of her Southern Living home that she is “fully in love” with the President of Delt. This girl is so fake, so dead inside—I regret every second supporting her over Hannah Basic (RIP).

It’s now Thimble’s turn for a hometown date, so I’m guessing we’re venturing to Far Far Away to meet her animated rodent family. Oh, Birmingham? Okay, ugh.

She’s taking him to a classic Southern etiquette class, and I can virtually hear my mom foaming at the mouth at this date. This instructor seems like Satan incarnate and has absolutely never met a black person in her life, but I will say I knew every single one of these little etiquette rules. See, Mom?! Are you proud of me yet? Please? Southern Satan then launches into a relationship analogy so cutesy and annoying that it literally sounds like she’s currently officiating a wedding. This lady has the most passive aggressive, evil smile and I swear you can see blood on her teeth.

We finally meet Thimble’s non-animated family and, HOLY HELL, is that her mom? This lady literally looks like Eric Wareheim in drag and yes, I’m sure she’s the absolute sweetest lady but that’s not my job here, folks. But seriously, both of Thimble’s parents are very old for having a 23-year-old daughter—there’s definitely a story there.

Thimble congregates with her female relatives and literally every single one is wearing a chunky statement necklace. Her cousin with the cliché Can I Speak To The Manager™ haircut asks her if she’s scared that the President of Delt is a virgin. Yes, I give Thimble a hard time, but she’s the only person who’s openly acknowledging his virginity and the impending Fantasy Suites—girl, I respect you. 

A Wild OldDad™ Appears!

I’m so sorry, guys, but this dad is also nice and sweet—meaning that his reigning quality must be that he’s undeniably the oldest one here.

The President of Delt and OldDad™ have an agreeable one-on-one, until the fated “prematurely asking people if I can marry their daughter whom I’m dating non-exclusively.” OldDad™ appropriately counters with, “That blows me away a lil’ bit.” I just love him so much. More importantly—I hate, hate, hate that the President of Delt is apparently asking every dad this question. It’s flat-out rude, and shows just how many more Satan-taught etiquette classes this boy really needs.

A meek Thimble says she doesn’t “just want to be a coin toss at the end of this.” Guys, she could totally mean this literally—there is definitely a wicked witch out there who once threatened to turn Thimble into a shiny coin if she chose not to marry her hunchback son.

We cut to the obligatory let-me-tell-you-that-I-love-you-outside-my-perfect-Southern-house, but this time, something’s different. This time, the President of Delt effing said it right the eff back! “I’m falling in love with you, too.” Hooooo-eeeee! Hot Southern Satan on a biscuit—he sure didn’t say that to the Carolina Ex-Pat. Bye, bish!

Let’s take our imaginary private jet to Santa Ana, California—it’s time for Tayshia’s hometown date, whose Jersey Girl nickname from last episode I will be abruptly abandoning. But worry not, children, she earns herself a new nickname here: T A Y S H I A. This is thanks to her amazing nameplate necklace that literally spells her name out like that—I live for this.

T A Y S H I A then blindfolds the President of Delt, saying this “is not the Bird Box challenge” which I will guarantee you that our sweet boy has zero earthly clue what that means. She laughs, and every single one of her teeth shows when she smiles.

Kids, it’s time for another brief flash of sincerity—driving together is so important! It seems dumb, but everyone has a car personality, and discovering each other’s is an essential part of first and second dates—contestants on this godforsaken show have no way of learning that. T A Y S H I A and the President of Delt finally get to be in a car together here, and they’re starting to resemble a somewhat-normal couple. The President of Delt then slams his head inside the car, and I secretly hope this leads to memory loss so bad that this whole season gets cancelled.

T A Y S H I A surprises the President of Delt with a skydiving date. He is petrified, but I truly do not give an eff because, you guys, their skydiving instructor is named WOOD. IS THIS SHOW EVEN REAL ANYMORE?

Wood is literally a South Park character and I am living and breathing for it. “Parachute doesn’t work? No problem. Reserve parachute doesn’t work? No sweat.” Guys, if you French Fry when you’re supposed to Pizza, you’re gonna have a baad tiiime.

I will say, they seem like the most real couple. That air kiss to her when the President of Delt is about to jump—so dang cute, ugh. “Please let me survive this fall. I still have to lose my virginity.” Folks, sometimes, the jokes write themselves 

The President of Delt and T A Y S H I A jump out of a plane, and the song that plays during this is so god-awful bad. What is this, Imagine Dragons? #1 on the Christian rock charts? This song is literally in every single movie trailer, and I can also see every single one of T A Y S H I A’s incisors and molars. 

She, in what can only be explained as a post-adrenaline psychosis, tells the President of Delt that she is falling in love with him. He, for the second time tonight, says it back.

CODE BEN. I REPEAT, THIS IS A CODE BEN. THERE ARE NO RULES. NOTHING IS REAL. ALL BETS ARE OFF. DUDE IS PULLING A BEN HIGGINS. I REPEAT, DUDE IS PULLING A BEN “I SAY THIS TO EVERYONE” HIGGINS.

It’s time to meet T A Y S H I A’s family, and we finally have less than 50 people at a family dinner. Her kid brother looks 47 years old – he doesn’t have time for this show, he has a mortgage to pay.

A Wild SavageDad™ Appears!

Oh. Hell. Yes. T A Y S H I A’s dad is not here to play and my body is ready for what’s about to transpire. Guys, I’m just going to put his quote to the President of Delt right here:

“You really say you’re falling in love with her. Now that’s a strong word—that’s a very strong word. You seem like a smart man, right? And so I’m sure you can pick the right words… [and you’re not just] falling back on the default word of ‘falling in love’ and whatnot, because now you’re just creating a web, if you will. So, is that sincere?”

AVADA KEDAVRA, bitch! Dear Lord! SavageDad™ is dragging the President of Delt to Hell and there is no mercy to be found! The President of Delt absolutely fails to read the room and continues to ask SavageDad™ for his daughter’s hand in marriage. “…I just met you.” Yes. Go off, my King.

We cut to the President of Delt casually asking the older brother—not the kid one who has to pay his mortgage and child support—what he does for work. “Federal law enforcement.” LMFAO. The President of Delt is quivering in his never-actually-employed boots.

SavageDad™ then somehow, by the grace of God Himself, miraculously tops his first quote—“You don’t microwave relationships.” SavageDad™… I… love you. This is amazing. This is concise. This is perfect. But, most of all, it’s Savage™.

Our imaginary jet continues to Huntington Beach, California—how convenient for the production team that two of the Final Four just so happen to be from California—how very, very convenient.

CBC is naturally from California, and she and the President of Delt kick off her hometown date with surfing lessons, PURSUANT TO THE HOLLISTER SS19 BRANDING GUIDE

The President of Delt continues to be The Least Experienced Person In Every Way and absolutely butchers the act of surfing. In her further attempt to show “charisma”, CBC says “Hopefully he’s better at family dinners than he is at surfing!” HAHAHAHAHAHAH **pauses for breath** AHAHAHA. WHEW. HELLO? COMEDY CENTRAL? CBC IS ON THE LINE.

We head to CBC’s household, and—holy Hell almighty—would you take a look at this Aryan family. Listen, I dye my hair blonde like anyone else, but something about this many blonde people in this tight of a space makes me extremely uncomfortable and sweaty.

A Wild ShadyDad™ Appears!

In a room full of blondes, the Lone Brunette appears—behold, a wild ShadyDad™. CBC’s dad, of course, looks like a lost Lachey brother. Dad Lachey then says to the camera “I don’t know him, but, he seems like a… guy.” YES. THE SHADE! SHADYDAD™ IS NOT HERE TO DISAPPOINT!

One of CBC’s newer Hollister employees then asks her for one-on-one time. Okay, wow—this younger sister is somehow more conventionally beautiful than her—my guess is the lip filler. And the inevitable 100,000 Instagram followers.

CBC tells her mom, AKA Blond Elisabeth Moss, that “it’s weird how well we match together.” Of course you and the President of Delt match—it’s PURSUANT TO THE HOLLISTER SS19 BRANDING GUIDE.

ShadyDad™ and CBC get their one-on-one time, and wow—this girl is quick to get defensive. The other half of the Supreme Hollister Employee duo clearly has entitlement issues (common with many conventionally beautiful people).

The President of Delt, again, obliviously asks this dad for his daughter’s hand in marriage. ShadyDad™, again, brings the shade by calling it “premature”. DANG DAD-IEL. The shade is strong with this one. Seriously, some of the dads showed reluctance, but eventually, every single one gave the blessing. It’s nice that ShadyDad™ isn’t as quick to sell his daughter to the blondest bidder.

Surprisingly enough, CBC is the only one to not profess her love to the President of Delt. All she can say at the end of this date is, “I don’t want it to be over.” Translation: “Gimme that screentime! I must be famous! Muahahaha!”

It’s time for the rose ceremony, and everyone is tense. Thimble accepts a rose, then T A Y S H I A. It’s down to the Carolina Ex-Pat and CBC—the Supreme Hollister Employees will be separated at last.

The Carolina Ex-Pat is OUT, baby! Hallelujah! “I saw it, I saw it!” GIRL, seeing relationships work out in your head isn’t the same as them working out in real life. Hell, Ariana Grande literally has an entire song about it on her new album.

Sadly, this choice is also testament to how far being conventionally beautiful can take you. CBC is the only girl who didn’t say she loved the President of Delt—and she! Got! A! Rose! Life is unfair—but only if you’re ugly. Sigh.

This week’s blooper goes to Thimble (being as white as possible) rapping while OldDad™ sweetly beatboxes. OldDad™ says, “That was so bad!” then turns to the President of Delt, “bad means good!”

By that logic, this episode was very… good.