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Mar 28, 2018

And Now, A Sketch


APPOLOGIZE

INT. ROOM [GENERIC, BRIGHT, INFOMERCIAL STYLE]

KALI slowly walks into frame

KALI

Are you an actor who has recently been accused of sexual assault? Is your reputation now ruined – even though you definitely didn’t do anything?


Already in the frame is a conventionally good-looking ACTOR type sitting down, on the phone. Looks so sad, like he’s getting bad news, dejected. Hangs up. As KALI says this last line, ACTOR gestures “ehh…” as if he might be guilty. KALI smiles at him then scoffs it off like it doesn’t even matter.

KALI

Well, get ready to get your life back, [says while grabbing ACTOR’s phone and dramatically throwing it out of the frame] with Appologize. It’s due process, right on your phone!

ACTOR hears that and realizes he needs his phone back – searches out of frame to retrieve it

CUT TO PHONE SCREEN [TWEETS SCROLLING]

KALI [V/O]

Every day, more and more men are accused of sexual assault on Twitter, and there hasn’t been any means of due process for these poor men – until now, with Appologize.

[STOCK ILLUSTRATIONS OF SAD, WHITE MEN]

Appologize gives you the chance to fight for what’s yours. Appologize works by scanning tweets every day for your name coupled with any of our trigger phrases: “assault,” “rape,” “took advantage of,” “forced,” or “fuck you, you fucking creep.” [WORDS ILLUSTRATED ON SCREEN]

Once a tweet has met this trigger criteria, we will alert you and blast out a standardized apology, written by one of our in-house publicists.

[GROUP OF BUSINESS PEOPLE SMILING, ONE GIVES A THUMBS UP TO THE CAMERA]

This apology will be sent from your Twitter account, and can be further customized to your preferences.

[TWEET ILLUSTRATION]

@LaurenXo
Jack Connelly assaulted me. I am finally ready to come forward with my story.

[IMMEDIATELY AFTER, SECOND TWEET]

@JackConnelly, via Appologize
I am so sorry about this interaction. I deeply regret it, am ready to move forward with my life.

[BACK TO KALI and ACTOR]

KALI

Wow! Reputation saved!

ACTOR

Wait, you said I can customize it first?

KALI

Yep! What do you want to change?

ACTOR

Is it okay if I don’t at all use the word regret, or the word sorry?

KALI

No problem! Here at Appologize, we’re all about getting your life back, without you actually doing any of the work.


[TWEET ILLUSTRATION]

@CaliKate82
Jack Connelly is a fucking rapist!!

@JackConnelly, via Appologize
This interaction does not please me. It is not good. It is bad. I acknowledge this. I am ready for us to continue to move forward with our lives and focus on world issues, like poverty, or starving kids in Africa.

[BACK TO KALI]

KALI

Amazing!

For an additional fee, you can try out our RateBack feature. our software will analyze the accuser’s profile picture, and rate it on a scale of 1 to 10. Our feature will then tweet from your account the exact reasons why her profile picture isn’t a 10, ultimately reasoning that this is why nobody would ever assault her in the first place. Please note that our software abides by our President’s rating system.

[QUICKLY SCROLLS THROUGH THIS TEXT DOWN OVER SCREEN, OVER AN OVERLAY OF THE WAVING AMERICAN FLAG]

1 – Rosie O’Donnell.
2 – Ugly, a total loser.
3 – Boring face, same body as me.
4 – Cute face but very fat.
5 – Totally average.
6 – Okay face, good body.
7 – Hot face, no tits.
8 – Incredible face, flat ass.
9 – Super hot, unreal body, voted for Crooked Hillary.
10 – named Ivanka Trump.

KALI

Granted, we are still working out some kinks.

[CUT TO OLD LADY, SITTING, HOVERING OVER PHONE]



[TWEET ILLUSTRATIONS]

@JacksMom
 Jack where are u??? u didn’t show up for dinner and I’m forced to worry about u!!! xoxox love you my son!!

[IMMEDIATELY AFTER]

@JackConnelly via Appologize
These claims are false. What we did between the two of us was entirely consensual, and I apologize that our intercourse didn’t come off that way.

LADY looks up from her phone, horrified, disgusted.

[BACK TO KALI]

KALI

Hey, our app isn’t perfect, and neither are we – and that’s exactly why we’re here.

KALI stops and crosses arms. Power stance.

Appologize. Responsibility, automated.

MAN [V/O]

[quickly] This ad brought to you in part by Trump Financial.