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Jan 2, 2016

Most Lit Movies of 2015

[It's official - I am the first person EVER to do a year-end recap. What's that? Sorry, I can't hear you because you're TALKING. INTO. A COMPUTER. My funny pals and I did a full year-end recap here, but you can keep reading here for just the movies - which is obviously my favorite. Enjoy.]

From worst to first, here are the top five biggest movies of 2015 ranked on a highly scientific “Lit/Not Lit” matrix.

50 Shades of GreyThis disappointment raked in an alarming $570 million and with the unnecessary $40 million budget they couldn’t cast any big names, or at least more attractive people? I mean, c’mon, Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan—do those sound like sexy people to you? No, those are names you read in the soap opera TV Guide. The hot but irrelevant Rita Ora was right there, and that’s how you use her? That’s cold.

Let’s stop glorifying abusive relationships and gratuitous lip-biting. Seriously, Beyonc√© remixed “Crazy in Love” and The Weeknd made “Earned It” for this? Please. But, hey—if elderly women got off to it then I guess the movie did what it wanted to do. And if you’re one of the few and the proud who did get off to this movie, have you ever heard of porn? Thank me later.

Verdict: Not lit.

EntourageJesus. The best way to illustrate the total ludicrousness of this movie is with this interaction that happened between my friend and me as we were walking out of the theater.

Totally real non-imaginary friend: Sooooo, how’d you like the movie?
Me: Man, I was really into it then I dozed off during the part where the main hot guy actually gets his movie made, so I got pretty lost in the second half.
Totally real non-imaginary friend: Uh, no… That part never happened. You didn’t fall asleep.
Me: [dies of stupidity]

Even with the badass cameo of Amber Rose’s lesbionic crush Ronda Rousey, this way-too-long episode could not be saved. But hey, you know that guy you like? The one you always see at the bar.. downing J√§gerbombs, wearing a fedora? Yeah, him. Pretend you like this movie and he will be forever yours.

Verdict: No, no, no. NOT lit.

Straight Outta ComptonThis. Movie. Was. Phenomenal. It may not have told the whole story of N.W.A., the world’s most dangerous group, but did you not get goosebumps hearing Eazy E lay the first few bars for “Boyz in the Hood”? That was beautiful. This movie caused white kids everywhere to blast that and “Fuk da Police” in their Range Rovers, and if that’s not a sign of the movie’s accomplishments then I don’t know what to tell you. I really hope this film starts a trend for other rap biopics to be made. The same way Marvel has a master calendar of movie releases for all of their universe’s characters, I’d like to see that for rap films. Here’s to crossing our fingers for a Wu-Tang movie.

Verdict: Straight Outta Lit-ville.

Mad Max: Fury RoadWhat do you get when you mix a legendary action movie with the excruciating hotness of Charlize Theron and Tom Hardy, subtract Mel Gibson, and sprinkle in some serious headbangers for the soundtrack? One of the best reboots in film history. This movie is next-level eye candy, and I’m not just talking about the lead actors. It has an aesthetic of its own, comparable to everyone’s favorite Spartan movie, 300. The killer visuals, the constant sound effects, the unexpectedly coherent plot—this movie is inspired, unique, and most of all—empowering. 

Verdict: Mad Max, more like LIT Max.

Ex MachinaBet you didn’t expect this to be the best movie of the year. You know why? Because you probably expected something easier to pronounce, so let’s get this out of the way: imagine you’re at the mall with your mom and you awkwardly run into your ex-girlfriend, named Keena. Your oblivious mom asks, “Who was that?” You respond, “It was my… ex, Ma! Keena.” Boom.

Now, I’m not normally into sci-fi, but to say this movie made an impact on me would be the second biggest understatement of 2015, right before “Miley Cyrus is weird.” I saw this movie in theaters when it came out in April and I literally have thought about it every day since. I’ve thought about how you can make a killer movie set entirely in one house, I’ve thought about how awesome Oscar Isaac is, and mainly I’ve thought about how terrifying robots can be. This movie is haunting, and without a doubt the best movie I saw this year.

Verdict: Lit to infinity and beyond.