sign up 4 e-mails when i write something or have a show here or follow me on twitter or instagram or just e-mail me at ✨ love u

Jul 8, 2015

Magic Mike XXL and Pitch Perfect 2 Are the Same Movie

  1. Magic Mike XXL is a road trip movie. Pitch Perfect 2 is a road trip movie. Same.
  2. Road-trippin’ to put on the best show of our lives! Same.
  3. The movies were released in 2015. Same.
  4. …And are sequels based on 2012 films. Double same!
  5. The sequels both have different directors than the originals. Same.
  6. Both start off with an unexpectedly NC-17 dance routine. Same.
  7. Stripping and joining an a cappella group are both equally attainable goals for failed pop stars. Same.
  8. Apparently “a cappella” is spelled with two p’s. Joe Manganiello only has one, but it’s as big as two. Same.
  9. Jesus effing Christ, Sofia Vergara is the luckiest woman alive. I mean, heh, uh both movies are good! Yeah, heh, same. [Relax, Kali. You’re doing great. Nobody can see how much you’re sweating. Now stop looking at your Joe Manganiello lock screen for two seconds, damnit—let’s keep going.]
  10. Hailee Steinfeld plays Emily Junk, the newest Barden Bella. Magic Mike XXL also features new junk. Same.
  11. The one black woman in both ensembles is eventually revealed to be a lesbian. Because the producers need to hit all the minority demographics with one stone, people! Business! Ugh, same.
  12. “New material?! But we don’t have time to think of new material!” – Both movies. Same.
  13. Elizabeth Banks MC’s both events. I’ve MC’d an open mic once. Elizabeth Banks and I are the SAME.
  14. Both final performances were in exotic destinations. Pitch Perfect 2’s was in Copenhagen, Denmark. Magic Mike’s was in Myrtle Beach—which totally qualifies as “exotic” since they hosted an exotic dancing convention. Budget-adjusted same.
  15. Rebel Wilson and Joe Manganiello both play characters with nicknames about how large they are. Same.
  16. During their cameo in Pitch Perfect 2, the probably-famous-to-people-who-know-what-sports-are NFL guys rip off the sleeves of their star singer. That, my friends, is stripping. Just like Magic Mike. Same.
  17. Adam Devine and Donald Glover both add alt-comedy street cred to their respective movies. Same.
  18. Gabriel Iglesias destroys all comedy street cred Magic Mike XXL could have ever had. Adam Devine can be obnoxious sometimes. Lame. Same. Lame same.
  19. Pitch Perfect’s Brittany Snow and Magic Mike’s Channing Tatum were both raised in Tampa, Florida. I was raised in Tampa, Florida. Therefore, we are all the same person. Therefore, I am a movie star.
  20. Benji “Jewish Stereotype” Applebaum can’t talk to Emily Junk because he gets too nervous. Big Dick Richie hasn’t has sex in months because no one wants to take on his huge dong. Relationship problems! Ack! Same!
  21. Benji Applebaum is every mother’s dream. So is Joe Manganiello. Same.
  22. Each movie prominently features a song that was prominently featured in my childhood: “We Belong” in Pitch Perfect and “I Want It That Way” in Magic Mike – and yes, I usually cried during both. Nostalgic same.
  23. Both studios rejected my fancy sequel titles—Magic Michael and Pitch Future Perfect. Apparently both studios don’t know what ~ELEGANCE~ is. Same—written in cursive.
  24. “What am I going to do with my life after our last show? Guys, this is my life.” – Seriously every character in both movies. Identity crisis same.
  25. Kevin “Tarzan” Nash is a wrestler-turned-actor. Rebel “Fat Amy” Wilson is a lawyer-turned-actress. Identity crisis same IRL!
  26. Matthew McConaughey was not in either movie. Same.
  27. And why the hell wasn’t the hot kid who played Peter Pan in the Magic Mike sequel? I loved you for starring in my favorite live-action Disney movie—now you’re dead to me. And you also weren’t in Pitch Perfect 2. So, same.
  28. Thank you, IMDb, for the name – Alex Pettyfer, you’re terrible. And according to IMDb, you weren't even Peter Pan. I'm terrible. So was the first Pitch Perfect movie. Same.
  29. Both of these movies are listed on IMDb. I know, so mind-blowing. Literally same.
  30. Anna Kendrick was in the Oscar-nominated Up in the Air. Channing Tatum was in the Oscar-nominated Foxcatcher. Hence, both of their movies are Oscar-nominated movies. Logic. Same.
  31. Brittany Snow starred in Hairspray. Tarzan’s mullet requires a lot of hairspray. Same. Exact. Movie.
  32. We’re only on 32? Damnit, Kali, you really overcommitted to this list thing.
  33. Both movies feature exquisite cuisine. Stripper/aspiring chef Tito serves frozen yogurt with freeze-dried basil. Singer/aspiring Nickelback frontman Bumper serves capers with Swedish Fish. Bon appétit. Sáme.
  34. Your essays are too long, Kali. Nobody wants to read them, Kali. You should write lists, Kali.
  35. Ellen DeGeneres’ official sidekick, tWitch, appears in Magic Mike. Ellen’s unofficial sidekick, the pantsuit, appears throughout Pitch Perfect. Mostly worn by the judges. Same.
  36. But really, both movies feature talk show sidekicks: tWitch, Michael Strahan, Reggie Watts… please, dear Jesus, let Questlove be in Magic Mike 3. Oh, and let there be a Magic Mike 3.
  37. Lists are more digestible content than essays, they said. It’ll be fun, they said.
  38. The screenplays of Magic Mike and Pitch Perfect are both based on dystopian novels written in the 1940s.
  39. Yo, you can’t spell “list” without “LIT” heeey let’s get litttt. My god. Get me out of this godforsaken list.
  40. According to the internet, Lee Gren is a graphic designer from Chicago who worked on both movies. He also has a very cool name. Way to go, Lee Gren. Keep living the dream.
  41. Let’s also give a warm shout-out to Tom Boyd, an oboe player whose extensive musical work has been featured in movies such as Groundhog Day and Into the Woods. Groundhog Day’s Andie MacDowell was in Magic Mike XXL. Into the Woods’ Anna Kendrick was in Pitch Perfect 2. The movies are identical, people. It’s proven.
  42. Both movies involve a haunted mansion that hosts a top-secret underground performance league.
  43. In the Disney classic Smart House, Pitch Perfect 2’s Katey Sagal played a futuristic robot mom with human kids. In real life, Magic Mike XXL’s Jada Pinkett Smith is a human mom with futuristic robot kids. Seriously. guys, Jaden and Willow are not one of us. Robosame. Bleep boop.
  44. Pitch Perfect 2 showed love to Elton John with the slogan “The pitch is back.” Magic Mike himself showed love to Elton John onstage at one of his concerts in 2012. And yes, it was magical.
  45. Both movies feature celebrities that have appeared on The Tonight Show. Yeah. Literally the same movie.
  46. These sequel titles are jack shit compared to Alvin & the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. Nothing will ever compare. And no, I’ll never let go, Jack – I’ll never, EVER stop talking about The Squeakquel. Wait – first time The Squeakquel and Titanic were in the same thought? Did I just make history? Boom. Same.
  47. Kevin Bacon is related to every cast member in both movies. Same.
  48. Both movies are the second installments in a trilogy that may or may not be the same exact movie, which should or should not be titled Pitch Perfect 3: The Return of the King(s of Tampa).
  49. Magic Mike XXL features a strip club rendition of Twilight’s Edward and Bella. Pitch Perfect 2 is about an a cappella group called The Bellas. Clearly another Twilight reference. Same.
  50.  Replacing their first letters with B leads to Magic Bike and Bitch Perfect. Both awesome. Same. Bame.
  51. Same sounds weird when you’ve said it 40 times. Same. Same. Hi, my name is Same. Same-antha. Same.
  52. Same. Same-antha Jones. Same-uel L. Jackson. Same. Same. Bame. Same.
  53. What does ‘same’ even mean? What does life even mean?
  54. I hate myself.
  55. Magic Mike XXL and Pitch Perfect 2 are both movies that a boy will never see in a theater with you. Unless he really wants to have sex with you. Power moves, girl. You got this.
  56. Is Mike really magic? Is magic even real?
  57. “There’s no real magic in the world, right?” – Boyhood, 2015 Best Picture Nominee. Magic Mike XXL (a.k.a. Manhood) and Pitch Perfect 2, 2016 Best Picture Nominees. Calling it right now.
  58. Do you believe in magic? In a young girl’s heart?
  59. Boyhood and Magic Mike XXL and Pitch Perfect 2 are all movies! Triple same!
  60. Speaking of movies, remember Beverly Hills Chihuahua? That is also a movie.
  61. Chihuahuas are the greatest. Yo quiero Taco Bell.
  62. Am I doing this 'list’ thing right?
  63. [Gabriel Iglesias pops in and cracks an obligatory Mexican joke. Flies away with a mariachi band all wearing "Vote 4 Pedro" shirts]
  64. This is definitely how you make a list. Nailing it. I will break you, BuzzFeed.
  65. Sorry, guys, Gabriel Iglesias is a very talented comedian and does not at all use his Mexican heritage as a cheap crutch. Now please let me back into Mexico. Yo quiero diplomacy.
  66. Okay, fine, Mexico. How ‘bout this: The Bellas don’t listen to anything their Guatemalan friend says. The Kings of Tampa leave their Mexican sidekick to die at a redneck hospital. What is it with Hollywood marginalizing Hispanics?! Both movies are the enemy! There we go, Mexico. I hate when we fight.
  67. Wow. This list turned very south. [fights back ‘south of the border’ joke’] Let’s at least end on a good number.
  68. Oh, I know what number to end on. Nailing it.
  69. Both Magic Mike XXL and Pitch Perfect 2 scored above a 60% on film review aggregator site SAME.