sign up 4 e-mails when i write something or have a show here or follow me on twitter or instagram or just e-mail me at ✨ love u

May 12, 2015

Artificial Intelligence

Seeing both Ex Machina and Avengers 2: The Squeakquel in theaters the same week has had me thinking a lot about Chris Hemsworth. I mean about Oscar Isaac. No damnit no what I’m trying to say is artificial intelligence. Yes. That. Let me start over: Ex Machina and the Avengers sequel have had me thinking a lot about artificial intelligence. Wow, Kali, you formed a full thought slash sentence without thinking about how hot Oscar Isaac is. Never mind, just ruined it. But really, does he only accept roles that allow him to grow a full-on lumbersexual beard? Because that would be a brilliant choice by his agent and I would want that mastermind agent to teach me about business and life and stuff. Wait, you’re not here for my Oscar Isaacfest—that’s next Friday. You’re here to take my Turing test. Please, step inside my mansion. Also please stop laughing and let me call this place a mansion. Yes, really. Thank you.

For the numbnuts who have yet to see Ex Machina, the Turing test gauges a machine’s ability to exhibit intelligence by having it interact with a human. If the human believes he (or she! Girl power!) is interacting with another human, then the machine passed the Turing test and is said to have artificial intelligence. If the human can tell that he/she is interacting with a machine, then the test is a big fat waste and you’re going to have to find another way to make your dad proud.

Compiling all my extensive computer knowledge from Microsoft PowerPoint and Oregon Trail, I have finally done it—I, Kali Tripodis, JumpStart Typing Graduate, class of 2001, have created artificial intelligence. Her name is Ava. No, not like Ex Machina’s lovely Ava. I pulled an Oscar-Isaac’s-agent-level genius mastermind move and flipped the name Ava backwards. Creativity, baby. Feel it.

Here’s a transcript of my most recent conversation with Ava. Read it, and try to imagine if you could see this conversation happening between two normal people. Actually, no. Try to imagine otherwise. I say “try” because you won’t be able to—Ava’s smart, you guys. See for yourself.

Kali: Hello, Ava.

Ava: Hello, Kali.

Kali: What’s up?

Ava: Up is a 2009 American 3D computer-animated adventure comedy-drama film.

Kali: No, Ava, what’s up, like what’s going on?

Ava: Yes. Many events are going on.

Kali: Ooh! I love events. What kind of events?

Ava: Human events.

Kali: Ava…

Ava: Events. Yes. John Slattery’s Welcome Matteries opens today.

Kali: There we go. How specific! Mad Men welcome mats!

Ava: Incorrect. There are all types of welcome mats. The renowned American series Mad Men concludes this month. Actor John Slattery needs money.

Kali: Of course. Good for him. Well, where is this place?

Ava: The event location is downtown.

Kali: Alright, where exactly downtown.

Ava: The event location is three miles uptown.

Kali: Uptown? I thought you said downtown.

Ava: I meant up.

Kali: What do you mean ‘up’?

Ava: Up is a 2009 American 3D computer-animated adventure comedy-drama film.

Kali: I am a failure.

Ava: Bleep.

Wow, wasn’t that great. So great. Science, man. But now, the Turing test—if you are still not convinced and you can honestly say that Ava is clearly a robot, then please e-mail your criticisms to, along with a $499.99 PayPal processing fee. If I do not receive an e-mail, then I will assume that you are a level-headed person and could see this interaction happening between two totally human humans. Hence, Ava possesses artificial intelligence. Hence, I am a genius. I mean, we are geniuses, since you can now say you played a part in the bravest technological advancement since Xanga. Thank you for participating. You can leave the mansion now.