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Sep 27, 2014

iPhone 6

     To: Apple
     From: Kali
     Re: changing name of iPhone Six to iPhone Sux

It’s been three days since I’ve had the same phone as Kylie Jenner—and although this does not mean I too have a pseudo-surgically-enhanced pout, I’m still going to pretend my mouth is way bigger than it is and publicly voice my concerns to your company. First off, I don’t want some socially inept intern reading this. You better be Tim Cook, Bono, or one of Steve Jobs’ other successors. Wait, didn’t Ashton Kutcher play him in that movie? That gives him some pull, right? Thought so. Alright, Ashton. Hey. Congrats on the baby, by the way. Or congrats on almost having a baby… was your baby born yet? Sorry, haven’t been keeping my usual tabs – too busy figuring out my new phone.

This is a phone, right? I’d never be able to tell by my complete inability to receive phone calls. I’ve called Gary approximately 27 times over the past few days, yet none have been answered or returned. You announced that you improved LTE signal with this model, but clearly there is a connectivity issue here. Gary wouldn’t just not call back because Gary’s not like most guys and I know this is true because he said it in his Tinder headline. Ashton, can you please advise why my calls aren’t going through? Side question: do you think Gary thinks I’m pretty? We haven’t met in person, but I really think our relationship will last so I want to look pretty for him. Attached are some photos of me from different angles and years so you can get a good idea. Thanks.

It should be noted that none of the attached photos were taken with my new phone’s camera, since that godforsaken camera has already cost me thousands in psychiatric help for my newly-diagnosed body dysmorphia. The iPhone 6 camera captures an image that’s clearer than my own vision, hence adding pores and lumps to my face that I didn’t even know were there. This shock to my body image left me confused of what I really, truly looked like. Is this how Jigglypuff feels? He changed characters so much that he probably also has major identity issues. Or was it Kirby who changed characters. Have you ever played Super Smash Brothers? It’s really fun. You and Mila should play it sometime.

I will commend you for the iPhone 6’s increased size. This thing is so large that it makes my beast piano hands look dainty and feminine to the onlookers who think I have a normal-sized poor person phone. The bigger size also makes it more noticeable in my peripheral so now it’s way easier to check Instagram while driving. However, the mere increase in size does not compensate for my issues with the signal and the camera and the new Autotext making my messages sound like some psychopathic Mad Libs. Really, Ashton, whatever robot comes up with these suggestions has no semblance of a grasp on the proper usage of pronouns and adverbs. These are not in a while to get for a few ago. What, Ashton? That last sentence didn’t make sense? Exactly. It was all Auto-typed. Fix this.

You will soon be receiving copies of my psychiatric invoices, that I expect Apple to pay in full. And no, their office does not accept iTunes gift cards—those can be sent to me personally. Or you can name your new baby after me. Or just fax me pictures of yourself taken before your hair got all weird. Actually, yeah, please do that. I look forward to your response. Thank you for your time.