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Jun 29, 2014

What I Would Say If Someone Held A Gun To My Head And Told Me To Talk About Taxes

Ah, taxes. Taxes, taxes, taxes. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em, am I right?! Heh, yeah... So taxes. Yes. Now you see here, tax, tax is a very complicated thing. Like, I don’t even know if I can find words that could do it justice, there’s just so many layers, so many parts, like, just, wow, taxes, man. So many layers, like, so many, like an onion... wait, have you seen Shrek? Okay, okay, sorry. Actually, no—I’m not sorry! Shrek is an incredible movie and maybe you wouldn’t be so angry if you had seen it, okay?! Whoa, yeah, definitely sorry for that. So, taxes. You see, there are many different types of taxes. There are high taxes, low taxes, good taxes, bad taxes. There’s money taxes, then there’s... well, you know. Other taxes. Lots of different types to deal with.

Just, yeah, so many. Well, you see, there’s a tax, which is a money. Then there’s... there’s, uh, well there’s a taxi. That’s a car that drives you places. Fun fact: cars actually do not pay taxes. Uh, well actually I don’t know why. They just don’t, okay? Tax... taxidermy is when you stuff dead animals so they live forever. No, not that weird. If you lived forever you would have a lot of taxes, because the older you are, the more taxes you have. Or pay. Have? Yeah, have. Sure.

Y’know, Obama pays taxes. People talk a lot about Obama and taxes. What? Oh, you’re asking me what they say about him and taxes? Ha, well, uh. I mean, come on now. Like, everyone knows that. Hah. Ha... Oh, are you sure you want me to go into it? Yeah, totally. Okay, I see it okay, okay. God. Alright. So Obama raises taxes for the people. He raises taxes in a big tax bank where the government collects all the taxes. The government wants a lot of taxes so they can... so they can... win... a contest! Yeah, yeah, that’s it. They want to win this contest. Like all the countries in the world collect as many taxes as they can and whoever gets the most wins the big tax contest. Huh? Oh, hm, great question. Well, actually they don’t convert taxes from Euros and dollars and stuff like that because a tax equals one unit that equals the same all over. Yeah, isn’t that nice? Like, world unity and peace, stuff like that. Exactly, that’s why everyone loves taxes. You’re catching on! I’m proud. Wow, I taught someone about taxes—my life is complete. OKAY WHOA NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT