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Mar 13, 2019

The President of Delt & His Hostage

A Recap of Last Night's Part II of The Bachelor Finale

We open on a—no, screw that. Your Honor, permission to get real? Thank you. May it please the court – this episode pissed me the fuck off.

Trust me, I love hating on this godforsaken franchise as much as anyone. It’s trash, it’s dumb, it’s a guilty pleasure. But when you really go past the outer crust of hating on it, there’s a gooey truth in the center—I love The Bachelor, and some of my best memories with family and friends are stuffing ourselves on the couch and devouring this show whole. Whether it’s watching Jason “Caricature of George Bush” Mesnick with my mom and sisters (with our dad secretly watching from the kitchen), or obsessing over Emily Maynard with my college friends in our sophomore-year apartment (that, of course, had a life-size Lil Wayne cardboard cutout)—this show has been a part of my life for over a decade, and I sincerely care about it.

Mar 12, 2019

And Then There Were None

A Recap of Last Night's Part I of The Bachelor Finale

We open on a studio audience, baby! Lest you forget this isn’t real life in the slightest!

The audience is filled with vague white women and their only-curled-at-the-bottom hair, all absolutely frothing at the mouth to be in the presence of their Lord and Savior, O Holiness Chris Harrison.

Mar 6, 2019

Women Tell All: MontageFest 2019

A Recap of Last Night's "Women Tell All" Episode of The Bachelor

We open on O Holiness Chris Harrison, presiding on his throne over all that is sacred. O Holiness is still recoiling from when His beloved son, the President of Delt, jumped over the gate in a fit of rejection, henceforth known as GateGate 2019. I howl with laughter at His referring to it as “disappearing into the darkness of the Portuguese countryside.” Now, that is an Emily Blunt-centered movie I will watch.

The PrettyGirls™ are introduced with The Most Awkward Applause Contest of All Time and it physically pains every bone in my useless body. Katie, the Most Underrated Former Contestant, actually gets a big response I slowly begin to regain strength.