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May 21, 2019

Chicken Nugget Ceremony

A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelorette

We open on a waterfall. Hannah Basic is dancing around columns like it’s 632 AD and she just poisoned her overbearing lord.

Luke P. (who I referred to as ChristianMingle last recap but will now call him The Hottest 8th Grader at Church) is wearing a huge silver cross over a boxy white tee like it’s 1993 and he’s about to film a B-level music video. He’s an “Import/Export Manager” which I’m 100% sure is just a mailman.

May 15, 2019

An Encounter With God In The Shower

A Recap of the Season Premiere of The Bachelorette

Yee-frickin’-haw, y’all. Your girl (me) is back to dismantle the Bachelor Cinematic Universe, week by week. Thank you for coming on this ~journey~ with me—let’s do this.

We open on a montage of Hannah Basic being Charismatic and Fun and We Swear She’s A Good Bachelorette Choice You Guys™. Someone says “She’s not an actress, she’s not a movie star.” N’duh. Is it because being an actress requires knowing how to read and speak in public? I digress.

Apr 13, 2019

In Defense of Cersei

As someone who famously bleached their hair solely to look like Lucius Malfoy, it should come as no surprise that I effing love Cersei Lannister. Her family is, without a doubt, my favorite on Game of Thrones, and I will forever defend their toxic blondeness.

“Why do you love Cersei so much though?” you ask, in the most annoying voice. Let me count the ways: she’s badass, loyal to a fault, and preternaturally stunning. “Why do you hate Cersei so much though?” I ask, in the most angelic, Ariana-like voice. Everyone starts screaming at me all at once—I hear you guys, so let me address your concerns one by one.