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Apr 13, 2019

In Defense of Cersei

As someone who famously bleached their hair solely to look like Lucius Malfoy, it should come as no surprise that I effing love Cersei Lannister. Her family is, without a doubt, my favorite on Game of Thrones, and I will forever defend their toxic blondeness.

“Why do you love Cersei so much though?” you ask, in the most annoying voice. Let me count the ways: she’s badass, loyal to a fault, and preternaturally stunning. “Why do you hate Cersei so much though?” I ask, in the most angelic, Ariana-like voice. Everyone starts screaming at me all at once—I hear you guys, so let me address your concerns one by one.

Mar 13, 2019

The President of Delt & His Hostage

A Recap of Last Night's Part II of The Bachelor Finale

We open on a—no, screw that. Your Honor, permission to get real? Thank you. May it please the court – this episode pissed me the fuck off.

Trust me, I love hating on this godforsaken franchise as much as anyone. It’s trash, it’s dumb, it’s a guilty pleasure. But when you really go past the outer crust of hating on it, there’s a gooey truth in the center—I love The Bachelor, and some of my best memories with family and friends are stuffing ourselves on the couch and devouring this show whole. Whether it’s watching Jason “Caricature of George Bush” Mesnick with my mom and sisters (with our dad secretly watching from the kitchen), or obsessing over Emily Maynard with my college friends in our sophomore-year apartment (that, of course, had a life-size Lil Wayne cardboard cutout)—this show has been a part of my life for over a decade, and I sincerely care about it.

Mar 12, 2019

And Then There Were None

A Recap of Last Night's Part I of The Bachelor Finale

We open on a studio audience, baby! Lest you forget this isn’t real life in the slightest!

The audience is filled with vague white women and their only-curled-at-the-bottom hair, all absolutely frothing at the mouth to be in the presence of their Lord and Savior, O Holiness Chris Harrison.