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Jul 16, 2019

It's a Bible-Off™

A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelorette

We open on an aerial view of the Aegean sea… we’re in GREECE, BABY! Of course, I, a Greek princess (according to my 8th grade AIM screen name), am excited as all tzatziki sauce—but, haven’t my ancestors been through enough? Do we really have to desecrate these sacred lands with all these white boys?

It’s Fantasy Suite week, virgins, and Hannah Basic says it’s been “a while” since she’s been physical with a man [cue absolute montage of her full-on humping the entire Abercrombie & Fitch sales team].

JUMP-STRADDLE-HUG COUNT: 1

Jump Straddle Hug: The Movie

Y'all, I made video for the Jump Straddle Hug episode of The Bachelorette. Please watch it and absolutely roast me in the comments. Luv ya.


Jul 14, 2019

Jump Straddle Hug

A Recap of This Week's Episode of The Bachelorette

We open on an aerial view of Westlake Village, Pilot Porny Peter’s hometown which is definitely just Los Angeles. It’s the hometown episode, baby, and we are wasting NO time in getting to these daddies.

JUMP-STRADDLE-HUG TALLY: 1

The BCU loves themselves some jump-straddle-hugs, and Hannah Basic is no exception—she’s basic, remember? She’s not an exception for anything. She jumps on Pilot Porny Peter and they immediately get into “his” Benz which is definitely his and definitely not on lease by the Bachelor Overlords.