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Jun 12, 2019

My First Video Recap!

Woo! I've always wanted to make a video version of these godforsaken recaps, but was always intimidated by the thought of making a YouTube video. I finally did it and I will NEVER admit how long making this took me... but life is full of mysteries, ya know? Enjoy the fruits of my labor and don't forget to murder me in the comments!

Horizontal Makeout SZN

A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelorette

We open on the Abercrombie & Fitch sales associates squadding up in this fancy-mysterious mansion that’s either the set for another Clue movie or a bad Taylor Swift video. The Bachelor Cinematic Universe subtly celebrates Pride month by putting the boys in an effing technicolor rainbow of blazers—this was planned, right? Can someone go check Rhode Island’s Suitsupply?

Hannah Basic is in the Conservatory with the Revolver—I mean, with the two Lukes. They are popping off and Hannah Basic’s face here is unparalleled annoyance. Neither of the guys notice this Mona Lisa face and that, my friends, is how you know neither of them are The One™. She then simply walks away from this stupid nightmare and I am violently reminded of Cersei casually strolling past CleganeBowl. Ugh. I miss you, my queen—and will avenge those rocks!

Jun 4, 2019

All Hell Breaks Luke

A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelorette

We open on sunrise at the manse. The Abercrombie & Fitch sales associates congregate for their top-of-shift meeting to talk smack about now-deceased Psycho Cam. O Holiness Chris Harrison walks in and notes that the “room’s getting smaller.” Either he’s commenting on how there are only fifteen guys left, or he wants us to notice his ever-growing muscles—I see you, O Holy One.

It’s time for the first vacation and we’re heading to… drumroll, please… keep it goin’…RHODE ISLAND! YES! HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE. STAY SEATED! Pilot Peter says their New England suite has “super romantic vibes” and we’ve already established this guy is secretly a porn star, right?