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Aug 5, 2019

Hella Strong

A Recap of The Bachelorette Finale, Parts I & II

PART I

We made it – the finale of this extended psychotic breakdown of a season. We open on a wilin’ studio audience. O Holiness Chris Harrison has a fresh haircut that probably cost more than my rent. We’re still in Greece for the rose ceremony that is somehow lasting over three episodes. This is exactly how I felt when I went to Greece—I love it but okay can we leave? I miss McDonald’s.

O Holiness repositions the rose stand that Hannah Basic dramatically moved away from The Hottest 8th Grader at Church, because he is absolutely a secret OCD monster. Hannah Basic looks at the remaining Abercrombie & Fitch employees and says, “I have three amazing men, standing in front of me.” Okay, is this America’s Next Top Model? The three guys are in line doing the same exact pose and I’m dying laughing at this—they look like a failed 90s R&B boy band album cover.

Jul 24, 2019

Men Tell All: Well Actually Just One

A Recap of This Week's "Men Tell All" Episode of The Bachelorette

We open on O Holiness Chris Harrison with a dead-fucking-silent studio audience. I’ve never wished for some type of applause more (that’s false) but apparently we’re not done with last week’s episode yet – everyone’s addicted to Greece, just say it!

It’s Hannah Basic’s last rose ceremony ever and all the boys are in their best summer suits. O Holiness gives each of them a pep talk before they enter, and the word “clarity” has already been said three times.

CLARITY COUNT: 3

Jul 16, 2019

It's a Bible-Off™

A Recap of Last Night's Episode of The Bachelorette

We open on an aerial view of the Aegean sea… we’re in GREECE, BABY! Of course, I, a Greek princess (according to my 8th grade AIM screen name), am excited as all tzatziki sauce—but, haven’t my ancestors been through enough? Do we really have to desecrate these sacred lands with all these white boys?

It’s Fantasy Suite week, virgins, and Hannah Basic says it’s been “a while” since she’s been physical with a man [cue absolute montage of her full-on humping the entire Abercrombie & Fitch sales team].

JUMP-STRADDLE-HUG COUNT: 1