The Trip Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the loft
Not a creature stirred; just coughed and coughed.
And coughed and coughed; God, I hate being sick.
Maybe two Advil will chill me out for St. Nick.
Two? Why not five? It’s been a long day.
Let’s be safe and do six, chased down with Chardonnay.


The sheets were warm and my Snuggie was comfy,
I laughed, remembering a moment earlier with Phil Dunphy.
When suddenly my brain became riddled with strife.
Is the cast of Modern Family funny in real life?
Did I fail my exams? Did I buy all my gifts?
Am I starting to get wrinkles? How much are facelifts?
Whoa, let’s calm down; we need good night’s sleep.
Two melatonin later, I’m feeling dizzy as [bleep].

When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
After three gulps of ‘Quil and ‘nough Xanax for a year,
But a muscular, handsome, and oily fellow,
I knew in a moment, ‘twas Joe Manganiello
His eyes—how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!
His abs were like diamonds; his chest, oh so hairy.

“What in the hell; are you really here?”
He hushed me, and whispered “Shh, my friends are near.”
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and I couldn’t help but exclaim:
"Now, Channing! now, Bomer! That one hot Latino!
That scary old guy! On, Childish Gambino!”

There we were, just me and the cast of Magic Mike,
And I knew in that instant I could never be a dyke.
(Is that word offensive? Am I being PC?
My bad, PC Principal – I’m hallucinating, you see.)
“Where are we going? Are we in outer space?
Are we going to the movies? The zoo? Third base?”
Joe chuckled, “It’s your dream, babe. We can go wherever.”
Oh my god. I’m drooling. This choice has to be clever.

Where would I go if I could go anywhere?
I burst out, “THE M&M’S STORE! The huge one in Times Square!”
They were clearly disappointed, but I couldn’t help but smile.
“What! I’ve been sick, I haven’t eaten in a while.”
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head;
Then, snap—we were there. I was literally dead.

We were laughing, dancing! There were M&M’s for years!
Joe looked at me, concerned; but I was crying happy tears.
“You had one Christmas wish, and it’s candy with hunks?”
“I REGRET NOTHING,” I said whilst stuffing my face with chocolate chunks.
A few hours passed; I felt disgusting, about to blow.
Joe felt my pain (because he’s perfect), and decided it’s time to go.

“Wait! I forgot to ask, just one question, ‘cause your wife:
Is the cast of Modern Family funny in real life?”
He stared at me gravely, then his face all but changed.
Started laughing hysterically, ‘twas almost deranged.
“Hell no! They’re nothing like what you see on the tube.
But I laugh at Sofia anyway; because, c’mon, boobs.”

A loud breath overtook me, I was overcome with relief.
At last, he solved the mystery that had caused me such grief.
“Thank you, Joe Manganiello. I am finally at peace.
And please, let me know if you ever want a sidepiece.”

I woke with a thump;  I’ve never slept better!
And I jumped out of bed and right into my sweater.
“Good morning, dear family! Let’s open some presents!
I feel so alive; More healthy! More pleasant!”

The family glared over, “Honey, it’s 4PM.
We knocked, we called, even sent a DM.
You were passed out cold, but your forehead was burning.
Calling out ‘Joe!’ and tossing and turning.
Were you having a nightmare? Are you still feeling ill?
Did you take too much medicine? Or even worse, NyQuil?!”

My knees were all wobbling, my stomach felt pudgy.
My family was staring; all snobbish, all judgy.
I had to respond, had to stop all their worrying.
My words had to be wise; said clear, with no slurring
I said what I said, then passed the hell out.
On the floor, in our kitchen, after these words were yelled out:
“Uh, never enough meds! If you ask me outright.
Merry Christmas to me, and to all a great night!”